From swelker-zonian-jokes at nemostar.com.au Mon Dec 3 18:08:51 2007 From: swelker-zonian-jokes at nemostar.com.au (Stephen Welker) Date: Tue, 4 Dec 2007 10:08:51 +1100 Subject: JOKE: A Tight Skirt (4/5) References: <004f01c83589$1e87b120$0200a8c0@terry3739de271> Message-ID: <999F5D23-83A6-4CCB-95F7-8C05776D246E@nemostar.com.au> A Tight Skirt. !!?? In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman wearing a tight mini skirt was waiting for a bus. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus. Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step. About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!" The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kind'a figured we was friends. From nicholas at nicholaspyers.com Mon Dec 3 18:49:51 2007 From: nicholas at nicholaspyers.com (Nicholas Pyers) Date: Tue, 4 Dec 2007 10:49:51 +1100 Subject: JOKE: In Praise of Prayer [5/5] Message-ID: [Thanks to Peter for this one] The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers. A lady stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise." "Yes, Mrs. Kisselman?" the pastor prompted. "Two months ago," she began in a firm, clear voice as she turned to the packed house, "my husband, Jim, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him." You could hear an audible gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Jim experienced. She continued, "Jim was unable to hold me or the children and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation. They were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Jim's scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place." Again, the men in the congregation squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Jim. She went on, "Now, Jim is out of the hospital and, the doctors say, with time, his scrotum should recover completely." The lady made a slight bow of thanks and headed back for her pew as all the men sighed with relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had anything to say. A man rose and walked to the podium. He said, "I'm Jim. I just wanted to tell my wife, once again, that the word is sternum!" -- Nicholas Pyers (nicholas at nicholaspyers.com) "Heaven on Earth?" "No, Earth on Earth. The Just Earth!" From ecooper1 at optusnet.com.au Tue Dec 4 05:19:53 2007 From: ecooper1 at optusnet.com.au (Euan Cooper) Date: Tue, 4 Dec 2007 21:19:53 +1100 Subject: JOKE: Smell and Taste 4/5 Message-ID: <1b409f96b4e6b104fc8e50499a5e9c18@optusnet.com.au> A pineapple plantation owner in Hawaii was having a problem with his crops. He called in an agronomist to evaluate the situation. "Your problem can easily be solved if you cover the base of each tree with cat manure!" devised the agronomist. With some difficulty and great expense the owner was able to secure enough manure for his trees. The trees produced a bumper crop of pineapples, with just a minor problem, they tasted a bit strange. With some concern, the owner called his distributor on the mainland as asked, "Harry, do you think you can sell pineapples that taste a little like pussy?" "I'm not sure, Harry answered, but, if you can figure out a way to make pussy taste a little like pineapple, we'll make a fortune!!!" From ecooper1 at optusnet.com.au Wed Dec 5 05:18:04 2007 From: ecooper1 at optusnet.com.au (Euan Cooper) Date: Wed, 5 Dec 2007 21:18:04 +1100 Subject: JOKE: Black panties 4/5 Message-ID: <87bd8576a380d5011db983bbe1e7ebe6@optusnet.com.au> Anna had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was constantly urging her to get back into the world of dating. Finally, Anna said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replied, "Mom! I have someone for you to meet." So they met and it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in a romantic motel.? Their first night there, she undressed as he did. There she stood nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties; he was in his birthday suit. Looking her over, he asked, "Why the black panties?" She replied: "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning." He knew he was not getting lucky that night. The following night was the same--she stood there wearing the black panties, and he was in his birthday suit--but now he was wearing a black condom. She looked at him and asked: "What's with the black condom?" He replied, "I want to offer my deepest condolences." From nicholas at nicholaspyers.com Thu Dec 6 02:49:42 2007 From: nicholas at nicholaspyers.com (Nicholas Pyers) Date: Thu, 6 Dec 2007 18:49:42 +1100 Subject: JOKE: A Dog's Purpose [5/5] Message-ID: <2773F813-29CA-43FD-9DB0-E53EAF6F9B02@nicholaspyers.com> [Thanks to Noel for this one] A Dog's Purpose, (from a 6-year-old) Being a veterinarian, I had been called to examine a ten-year-old Irish Wolfhound named Belker. The dog's owners, Ron, his wife, Lisa, and their little boy, Shane, were all very attached to Belker, and they were hoping for a miracle. I examined Belker and found he was dying of cancer. I told the family we couldn't do anything for Belker, and offered to perform the euthanasia procedure for the old dog in their home. As we made arrangements, Ron and Lisa told me they thought it would be good for six-year-old Shane to observe the procedure. They felt as though Shane might learn something from the experience The next day, I felt the familiar catch in my throat as Belker's family surrounded him. Shane seemed so calm, petting the ol d dog for the last time, that I wondered if he understood what was going on. Within a few minutes, Belker slipped peacefully away. The little boy seemed to accept Belker's transition without any difficulty or confusion. We sat together for a while after Belker's death, wondering aloud about the sad fact that animal lives are shorter than human lives. Shane, who had been listening quietly, piped up, "I know why." Startled, we all turned to him. What came out of his mouth next stunned me. I'd never heard a more comforting explanation. He said, "People are born so that they can learn how to live a good life -- like loving everybody all the time and being nice, right?" The six-year-old continued, "Well, dogs already know how to do that, so they don't have to stay as long." Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Remember, if a dog was the teacher you would learn things like: When loved ones come home, always run to greet them. Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride. Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy. Take naps. Stretch before rising. Run, romp, and play daily. Thrive on attention and let people touch you. Avoid biting when a simple growl will do. On warm days, stop to lie on your back on the grass. On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree. When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body. Delight in the simple joy of a long walk. Eat with gusto and enthusiasm. Stop when you have had enough. Be loyal. Never pretend to be something you're not. If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it. When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently. Being always grateful for each new day and for the blessing you have. ENJO Y EVERY MOMENT OF EVERY DAY! That's what dog's teach us... -- Nicholas Pyers (nicholas at nicholaspyers.com) "Heaven on Earth?" "No, Earth on Earth. The Just Earth!" From ecooper1 at optusnet.com.au Fri Dec 7 03:57:20 2007 From: ecooper1 at optusnet.com.au (Euan Cooper) Date: Fri, 7 Dec 2007 19:57:20 +1100 Subject: JOKE: Microsoft Advertising 5/5 Message-ID: <252829f3da6717d98d8381ff2a973699@optusnet.com.au> Microsoft announced that it is selling advertising space in the error messages that appear in Windows. Acknowledging for the first time that the average user of their operating system encounters error messages at least several times a day, Microsoft is trying to take financial advantage of the unavoidable opportunity to make an ad impression. "We estimate that throughout the world at any given moment, several million people are getting a "general protection fault" or "illegal operation" warning. We will be able to generate significant revenue by including a short advertising message along with it," said Microsoft marketing director Nathan Mirror. The Justice Department immediately indicated that they intend to investigate whether Microsoft is gaining an unfair advantage in reaching the public with this advertising by virtue of its semi-monopolistic control over error messages. From nicholas at nicholaspyers.com Sat Dec 15 05:18:19 2007 From: nicholas at nicholaspyers.com (Nicholas Pyers) Date: Sat, 15 Dec 2007 21:18:19 +1100 Subject: JOKE: Working Woman's Way [10/5] Message-ID: <0796028E-B60F-4507-8411-721BD63403AF@nicholaspyers.com> [Thanks to Noel for this one] The working woman?s great household tips Margaret Fulton's way: Stuff miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice-cream drips. The Working Woman's way: Just suck the ice-cream out of the bottom of the cone for Pete's sake. You are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it anyway!! Margaret Fulton's: When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking tin, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake. Working Woman's: Woolworths sell cakes. They even do decorated versions. Margaret Fulton's: If you accidentally over salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a potato slice. Working Woman's: If you over salt a dish while you are cooking, tough! Recite the working Woman's motto: 'I made it and you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes!' Margaret Fulton's: Wrap celery in aluminium foil when putting it in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks. Working Woman's: It could keep forever. Who eats it?? Margaret Fulton's: Cure for headaches. Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away. Working Woman's: Cure for headaches. Take a lime, cut it in half and drop it in a double vodka. Drink the vodka. You might still have the headache, but you won't care! AND FINALLY, THE MOST IMPORTANT TIP.. Margaret Fulton's: Freeze leftover wine into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces. Working Woman's: Left over wine??? HELLO!!!???? -- Nicholas Pyers (nicholas at nicholaspyers.com) "Heaven on Earth?" "No, Earth on Earth. The Just Earth!" From ecooper1 at optusnet.com.au Sun Dec 16 05:30:29 2007 From: ecooper1 at optusnet.com.au (Euan Cooper) Date: Sun, 16 Dec 2007 21:30:29 +1100 Subject: JOKE: Osteoporosis 5/5 Message-ID: <304d9fc926b7209aa5b9cd6f9010f971@optusnet.com.au> Researchers released a list of foods and activities to help combat osteoporosis, the dread disorder that leaches calcium from the bones as people age. The distinguished lead scientist mounts the podium to make his announcement and gives the highlights of the list. To no one's surprise, broccoli and cauliflower are there, and the researchers also encourage regular exercise, such as walking, running, cycling or swimming to prevent calcium loss from the bones. But, one reporter, reading ahead, shouts from the front row, "You've got kissing on the list as a way to prevent osteoporosis! There isn't any calcium in a kiss!" The scientist replied calmly, "In a good kiss, there's enough calcium to make a bone about 6 inches long." From ecooper1 at optusnet.com.au Sun Dec 16 05:31:48 2007 From: ecooper1 at optusnet.com.au (Euan Cooper) Date: Sun, 16 Dec 2007 21:31:48 +1100 Subject: JOKE: Southern Hospitality 4/5 Message-ID: Nate and Martin, two army buddies are on leave and decide to go to Nate's house and get drunk. Lo and behold they run out of beer so Nate says that he will go for more. As he is leaving he tells his wife Barbara to show Martin her best southern hospitality which she agrees to do. Nate comes back with the beer and finds Martin and Barbara screwing right on the kitchen floor. Nate yells, "what are you doing Barbara?" She replies, "You told me to show Martin my best southern hospitality." Nate then says, "Gee whiz girl, arch your back, poor Martin's balls are on the cold floor." From ecooper1 at optusnet.com.au Mon Dec 17 04:54:21 2007 From: ecooper1 at optusnet.com.au (Euan Cooper) Date: Mon, 17 Dec 2007 20:54:21 +1100 Subject: JOKE: The Twelve Computerized Days of Christmas 5/5 Message-ID: On the first day of Christmas, my computer gave to me A glitch on the video screen. On the second day of Christmas, my computer gave to me Two keyboard bounces, And a glitch on the video screen. On the third day of Christmas, my computer gave to me Three loose plugs, Two keyboard bounces, And a glitch on the video screen. On the FORTH day of Christmas, my computer gave to me Four garbled SAVE's, Three loose plugs, Two keyboard bounces, And a glitch on the video screen. On the fifth day of Christmas, my computer gave to me Five blank cassettes, Four garbled SAVE's, Three loose plugs, Two keyboard bounces, And a glitch on the video screen. On the sixth day of Christmas, my computer gave to me Six I/O spasms, Five blank cassettes, Four garbled SAVE's, Three loose plugs, Two keyboard bounces, And a glitch on the video screen. On the seventh day of Christmas, my computer gave to me Seven system resets, Six I/O spasms, Five blank cassettes, Four garbled SAVE's, Three loose plugs, Two keyboard bounces, And a glitch on the video screen. On the eighth day of Christmas, my computer gave to me Eight worthless printouts, Seven system resets, Six I/O spasms, Five blank cassettes, Four garbled SAVE's Three loose plugs, Two key bounces, And a glitch on the video screen. On the ninth day of Christmas, my computer gave to me nine burnt-out fuses Eight worthless printouts, Seven system resets, Six I/O spasms, Five blank cassettes, Four garbled SAVE'S Three loose plugs, Two key bounces, And a glitch on the video screen. On the tenth day of Christmas, my computer gave to me Ten disk-drive lockouts, nine burnt-out fuses Eight worthless printouts, Seven system resets, Six I/O spasms, Five blank cassettes, Four garbled SAVE'S Three loose plugs, Two key bounces, And a glitch on the video screen. On the eleventh day of Christmas, my computer gave to me Eleven damaged diskettes, Ten disk-drive lockouts, nine burnt-out fuses Eight worthless printouts, Seven system resets, Six I/O spasms, Five blank cassettes, Four garbled SAVE'S Three loose plugs, Two key bounces, And a glitch on the video screen. On the twelfth day of Christmas, my computer gave to me Twelve blown-out circuits, Eleven damaged diskettes, Ten disk-drive lockouts, nine burnt-out fuses Eight worthless printouts, Seven system resets, Six I/O spasms, Five blank cassettes, Four garbled SAVE'S Three loose plugs, Two key bounces, And a glitch on the video screen. From ecooper1 at optusnet.com.au Fri Dec 21 01:10:05 2007 From: ecooper1 at optusnet.com.au (Euan Cooper) Date: Fri, 21 Dec 2007 17:10:05 +1100 Subject: JOKE: Weeweechu. 5/5 Message-ID: <91b88346bfb3ca5302e1637220243d4e@optusnet.com.au> One beautiful December evening Huan Cho and his girlfriend Jung Lee was sitting by the side of the ocean. It was a romantic full moon, when Huan Cho said "Hey baby, how about playing Weeweechu." "Oh no, not now, lets look at the moon" said Jung Lee. "Oh, c'mon baby, let's you and I play Weeweechu. I love you and it's the perfect time," Huan Cho begged. "But I rather just hold your hand and watch the moon." "Please Jung Lee, just once play Weeweechu with me." Jung Lee looked at Huan Chi and said, "OK, we'll play Weeweechu.".... (Scroll down) > > > > > > > > > > > > > Huan Cho grabbed his guitar and both sang.... "Weeweechu a melly Chlistmas, Weeweechu a melly Chlistmas, Weeweechu a melly Chlistmas, and a happy New Year." TO YOU ALL AND YOUR FAMILY, HOPE YOU HAVE A GREAT ONE! (And all those with dirty minds - shame on you!) From ecooper1 at optusnet.com.au Sun Dec 23 04:21:49 2007 From: ecooper1 at optusnet.com.au (Euan Cooper) Date: Sun, 23 Dec 2007 20:21:49 +1100 Subject: JOKE: The 10 Worse Xmas Gifts a man can buy for a woman 4/5 Message-ID: 1. Never give a woman any kind of household appliance or something that is going to make "housework" easier. For instance, a blender, a toaster, a new vacuum, one of those mops they advertise on TV that does everything but suck the life out of you, anything in a informercial. The only appliance allowed is a vibrator with all of the various speeds, slow, medium, and who needs a man. Another wise choice is a new washing machine with a turbo spin cycle. 2. Any bulk cleaning supplies, "honey, I got you that large box of Tide you have been wanting." "This Windex should last you a while." "I got a good deal on the industrial strength toilet bowl cleaner." All I can say is, be prepared to run. I have faith that if you would have at least stopped and thought about what would be a much more intimate gift, you would have had the sense to spring for the $5 Chia Pet you were eyeing in Kmart. 3. Any sharp objects made by Ronco which slices or dices, or a set of ginsu knives. These may one day be used as a weapon against you when you come home with lipstick on your collar after a "night out with the boys." 4. Do not buy gifts for yourself and pretend they are for her. "Honey, I'm sure you'll get a lot of use out of the new drill I bought you." By then she will have put it to good use by drilling a quarter inch hole into the side of your skull for even thinking she would accept such a lame gift. After a gift like this, you probably won't be around for NEXT Christmas. 5. Any lingerie made of flannel, such as a pair of feet pajamas with a trap door in back. A Little Mermaid or Barney cartoon character nightgown. It gives her the idea that you do not consider her the sexy woman that she is. Take out that wallet and buy her something sexy from Victoria Secret (just like you did for your girlfriend). 6. No name perfume which costs you $1.99, such as Eu de Toilet, which actually smells like the bathroom, a $10 whore, or your dirty socks. If you are going to buy her perfume, spring for the brand names. 7. Any type of cubic zirconia jewelry you see on the Home Shopping Network. It will be quite embarrassing when she is showing off that fabulous diamond to her friends and tries to cut glass with it. 8. Please do not buy her clothes because you think for one minute you have good taste in woman's clothing. Well, perhaps you might if you are a transvestite, but all in all, believe me, she'll smile and say its beautiful while choking back tears and mumbling under her breath, "where the hell would I ever wear this outfit without being arrested for bad taste?" An additional hint, plaids do not go with stripes (even though you think your golfing outfit looks just fine). Its a known fact to the rest of the world that that is a taboo. In the Northeast, that's like wearing white after Labor Day. 9. Do not give her a gift certificate to Jenny Craig or Weight Watchers. Most men would know better, especially the ones who have learned the correct response to "do these pants make me look fat." If you are one of the poor souls who still doesn't get it and purchased a gift like this, be prepared for the silent treatment for a month. (Although that may be something you would actually look forward to.) A better alternative would be hiring a Chippendale dancer as a personal trainer to get her motivated into getting fit. She'll certainly get a workout stretching to the oldies while stuffing dollar bills in his g-string. I'm not sure, but I think that alone burns up 3,500 calories. 10. Last but not least, never buy a woman anti-wrinkle cream, or a book on "How not to be a Bitch Sunday through Saturday." These are not considered gifts, they are considered reasons for seriously injuring the person who bought it and just may stand up in court of law. From nicholas at nicholaspyers.com Sun Dec 23 09:46:02 2007 From: nicholas at nicholaspyers.com (Nicholas Pyers) Date: Mon, 24 Dec 2007 01:46:02 +1100 Subject: JOKE: Things you shouldn't find in your garden (5/5 C) References: Message-ID: <536AC103-5B7A-4C14-846E-90DEA102A9B8@nicholaspyers.com> [Thanks to Paul for these] -------------- next part -------------- A non-text attachment was scrubbed... Name: unknown.jpg Type: image/jpeg Size: 18621 bytes Desc: not available Url : -------------- next part -------------- -------------- next part -------------- A non-text attachment was scrubbed... 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The Just Earth!" From ecooper1 at optusnet.com.au Sun Dec 23 18:36:28 2007 From: ecooper1 at optusnet.com.au (Euan Cooper) Date: Mon, 24 Dec 2007 10:36:28 +1100 Subject: JOKE: Christmas Dinner 5/5 Message-ID: <71481fb6323f8d73e13c04d214683fa4@optusnet.com.au> NEW TURKEY RECIPE Your dinner will be the talk of the TOWN!! You should try this! Sure to bring smiles from your guests! Here is a new way to prepare your Christmas Turkey. 1. Cut out aluminium foil in desired shapes. 2. Arrange the turkey in the roasting pan, position the foil carefully. ?(see attached picture for details) 3. Roast according to your own recipe and serve. 4. Watch your guests' faces... ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? -------------- next part -------------- A non-text attachment was scrubbed... Name: unknown.jpg Type: image/jpeg Size: 18686 bytes Desc: not available Url : -------------- next part -------------- May your stuffing be tasty May your turkey plump, May your potatoes and gravy Have never a lump. May your yams be delicious And your pies take the prize, And may your Christmas Dinner Stay off your thighs! Happy Christmas Everyone! ? ? ?? ? From ecooper1 at optusnet.com.au Sat Dec 29 00:48:09 2007 From: ecooper1 at optusnet.com.au (Euan Cooper) Date: Sat, 29 Dec 2007 16:48:09 +1100 Subject: JOKE: Psychological Holiday Songs 3/5 Message-ID: <1af51dd5069d0cf12ebdfec63e9b5424@optusnet.com.au> SCHIZOPHRENIA - Do You Hear What I Hear? MULTIPLE PERSONALITY - We Three Kings Disoriented Are. DEMENTIA - I Think I'll Be Home For Christmas. NARCISSISTIC - Hark The Herald Angels Sing (About Me) MANIA - Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town ...or Deck the Halls and Spare No Expense! PARANOIA - Santa Claus is Coming To Get Me. PERSONALITY DISORDER - You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, then MAYBE I'll tell you why. OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE - Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell.... BORDERLINE PERSONALITY - Thoughts of Roasting in an Open Fire. PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE - On the First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me (and then took it all away). From ecooper1 at optusnet.com.au Sun Dec 30 04:48:24 2007 From: ecooper1 at optusnet.com.au (Euan Cooper) Date: Sun, 30 Dec 2007 20:48:24 +1100 Subject: JOKE: Precautions 4/5 Message-ID: <147333078bb7b70a3f9e871788839995@optusnet.com.au> The madam of a bawdy house answered the ring of the bell and, on opening the door, she found standing there on the threshold, an ancient, bearded gentleman in rabbi's garb. "May I come in?" asked the rabbi gently in an aged, quavering voice. Feeling a little confused, the madam said, "But rabbi, surely you must be in the wrong place. Here is where we--" "I know what you do here," interrupted the rabbi. "you don't think I came here for chopped liver, do you? Bring on the girls." Still confused, but understanding her professional duties, the madam had several girls line up. The rabbi tottered from one to another until he reached Rose, a large redhead with enormous breasts. He looked at her with appreciation and pointed, "Good! I'll take those." The rabbi paid out the necessary sum and Rosie led him upstairs. She helped him off with his coat and hung it up carefully on the nail on the door. Then she helped him off with the rest of his clothes and got into bed. There, to Rosie's astonishment, the rabbi performed with an address and a skill that was unbelievable. In fact, Rosie, a hardened professional, found herself surprised into orgasm. As they lay in bed a few minutes afterwards, relaxing, Rosie said, "How old are you, Rabbi?" The rabbi said, "God has been good to me. I am eighty-eight years old." "That is certainly amazing. Listen, Rabbi, if you're ever in the neighborhood again and if you should feel in the mood, please ask for me--Rosie. I would be delighted to oblige you." The rabbi said, with a certain hauteur, "What do you mean, if I should be in the mood again? Let me sleep for five minutes right now and, believe me, I will be in the mood again." "Really, Rabbi? Then please take a nap." "Okay." The rabbi adjusted himself into a relaxed position, face up, placed his arms across his chest and then said, "Wait one minute. This is important. While I'm asleep, scoop up my testicles with your right hand and hold them an inch above the sheet, without moving them. Keep them absolutely motionless." "Of course, Rabbi," said Rosie, and did as she was told, holding the rabbi's testicles free of the sheet. For five minutes the rabbi slept, then woke with a start and said, "I'm ready." And so he was, for, to Rosie's delight, he was even better the second time than the first. As she lay panting, Rosie said, "It was wonderful, Rabbi, but one thing I don't understand. Why was it necessary to hold your testicles motionless above the sheet while you were sleeping?" "Oh that," said the rabbi. "Well, you are a nice girl and I like you very much. Still, the truth is I don't know you very well, and over there, in my coat, hanging on the hook on the door, is five hundred dollars." From ecooper1 at optusnet.com.au Mon Dec 31 02:31:12 2007 From: ecooper1 at optusnet.com.au (Euan Cooper) Date: Mon, 31 Dec 2007 18:31:12 +1100 Subject: JOKE: Conceiving Problems 4/5 Message-ID: A young married couple has difficulties conceiving a baby, so after a while the wife consults her doctor, who recommends the minor of three possible operations. The operation is performed, but a month later, she's still not pregnant, so she goes to see the doctor again. This time he recommends the medium operation, a somewhat more serious operation, but still not as complicated as the third alternative. But, there's still no result, and another month later she's back in the doctors office, and this time she gets the big one. After having recovered in some weeks, the couple resumes normal marital activities, and this time they actually succeed in conceiving a baby. Filled with joy, the young wife now sees the doctor for the regular examination during pregnancy and says, "We're so happy doctor, we're finally having a baby. But what was this third operation actually all about? The first two weren't that bad, but this last one I think must have been quite a job, I was dizzy for weeks after." "Well," the doctor replies, "since the first two standard operations failed, we started suspecting your method rather than your ability, so I made a connection from your throat to your uterus."