From nicholas at nicholaspyers.com Fri Oct 5 21:18:04 2007 From: nicholas at nicholaspyers.com (Nicholas Pyers) Date: Sat, 6 Oct 2007 11:18:04 +1000 Subject: JOKE: My Duck is Dead [5/5] Message-ID: <6F747B47-861D-43E5-8F0D-74B59822D08D@nicholaspyers.com> My Duck is Dead A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away." The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," replied the vet. "How can you be so sure", she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something." The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead! ?? The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20,but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150. !! -- Nicholas Pyers (nicholas at nicholaspyers.com) "Heaven on Earth?" "No, Earth on Earth. The Just Earth!" From ecooper1 at optusnet.com.au Sat Oct 6 07:04:16 2007 From: ecooper1 at optusnet.com.au (Euan Cooper) Date: Sat, 6 Oct 2007 21:04:16 +1000 Subject: JOKE: How the Seven Dwarfs got their names... 5/5 Message-ID: <02b9b8f63267eecc1b8654302e9f4fa8@optusnet.com.au> Miss Snow White was a randy cow And desperate for a f@#k, So off she went into the woods, To try and get some luck. She'd almost given up looking, When she saw some chimney smoke, Then she stumbled on the cottage, And went in for a poke. Her clothes came off in seconds. And she'd just removed her pants, When seven dwarves came marching in, With a merry song and dance. Snow White just stood there speechless, And thought she was in heaven, Originally after one good shag, But now she could have seven. Straight away she took command, "My fanny needs a lick!" And when one dwarf moved forward, She said "Oi-you'd better drop your pick" So down he went onto all fours, And said "I ain't licking that", "Not there, that is my arse-hole, You DOPEY little brat!" The next dwarf started blushing, "Do we have to do it here?" Snow White said "Don't be BASHFUL, Unless you're a frigging queer" So reluctantly he whipped it out, To prove he was no fool. And Snow White gave a big "Heigh-Ho". As she rode upon his tool. Now one dwarf wasn't smiling. Cos he hadn't had a sniff, And due to his impatience, He couldn't raise a stiff. "Relax" you GRUMPY bastard", So he did as he was told, And as soon as he was hard enough, He shot his friggin load. The next dwarf got a blow-job, And she took him deep quite easy, But she just avoided brain-damage, When he sneezed, she called him SNEEZY. With three dwarves left, She turned and said, "You're next, I want your knob!" But not sooner had he entered her, And he was sleeping on the job. "Wake up you SLEEPY bastard" She wanted more from him. And he woke with such excitement, That he filled her hairy quim. The next dwarf rammed his up her, And shagged her fanny raw, A dazed Snow White them whimpered.? "That should be against the law." He made poor Snow White tremble, He was so big and thick. "No wonder you're so HAPPY, With that friggin great big prick" With one dwarf still remaining, But feeling rather sore, She said "You'll have to use your tongue, My twat can't take no more!" And so he put his tongue to work, Where others had placed their cocks, And 'cos he made Snow White feel better, She named the last dwarf " DOC ." Now Snow White couldn't do much, With all that spadge inside her quim, So she grabbed a cup, and squatted, And filled it to the brim. So there's the truth about the dwarves, And how they got their names, By satisfying Miss Snow White, And joining in her games. There's one more thing you need to know, And that's - What happened to that cup, Well think of what you're drinking, When you next buy 7-Up! From swelker-zonian-jokes at nemostar.com.au Mon Oct 8 19:56:43 2007 From: swelker-zonian-jokes at nemostar.com.au (Stephen Welker) Date: Tue, 9 Oct 2007 09:56:43 +1000 Subject: JOKE: There are differences in the appreciation of wine and other things! (5/5) References: <002901c8098b$a3b4fa30$0300a8c0@terry3739de271> Message-ID: <3F369308-6276-4FFA-BEBE-91AEFF573AEC@nemostar.com.au> Appreciation of fine Wine A man goes to the Lucas Carton in Paris with his girlfriend and orders the 1928 Mouton. The waiter returns with a bottle full of wine, pours a small amount in the glass for tasting. The customer picks up the glass, smells the wine, and puts it down on the table with a thud. 'This is not the 1928 Mouton.' The waiter assures him it is, and soon there is another twenty people surrounding the table including the chef and the manager trying to convince the man that the wine is the 1928 Mouton. Finally someone asks him how he knows that it is not the 1928 Mouton. 'My name is Phillipe de Rothschild, and I make thewine.' The original waiter steps forward and admits that he poured the Clerc Milon 1928. "I could not bear to part with our last bottle of 1928 Mouton. You know Clerc Milon, it is in the same village as Mouton, you pick the grapes at the same time, the same cepage, you crush in the same way, you put them into similar barrels. You bottle at the same time, you even use eggs from the same chickens to fine them. The wines are the same, except for a small matter of geographic location." Rothschild beckons the waiter forward, and whispers to him, 'When you return home tonight, ask your girlfriend to remove her underwear. Put one finger in one opening, another finger in the other, and then smell both the fingers. You will understand what a small distance in geographic location makes." From swelker-zonian-jokes at nemostar.com.au Sat Oct 13 20:53:18 2007 From: swelker-zonian-jokes at nemostar.com.au (Stephen Welker) Date: Sun, 14 Oct 2007 10:53:18 +1000 Subject: JOKE: OJ (5/5) References: <00de01c80df6$e3da9c90$0300a8c0@terry3739de271> Message-ID: <0AD937A1-1911-4319-B185-DD9A5423499C@nemostar.com.au> One day in the future, OJ Simpson has a heart-attack and dies. He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him. "I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got a couple of folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves." OJ thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the first room. In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. Ted kept diving in, and surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over, and over he dove in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in hell. "No," OJ said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer, and I don't think I could do that all day long." The devil led him to the door of the next room. In it was Al Gore with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. "No, this is no good; I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented OJ. The devil opened a third door. Through it, OJ saw Bill Clinton, lying on the bed, his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. OJ looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, "Yeah man, I can handle this." The devil smiled and said... (This is priceless) "OK, Monica, you're free to go." From ecooper1 at optusnet.com.au Tue Oct 16 01:04:30 2007 From: ecooper1 at optusnet.com.au (Euan Cooper) Date: Tue, 16 Oct 2007 15:04:30 +1000 Subject: JOKE: Sex Manual For Computer Experts 3/5 Message-ID: 1. Be user friendly. 2. Take bytes. 3. Fondle joystick. 4. Spread sheet. 5. Fix surge protector. 6. Activate hardware. 7. Insert disc, all the way. 8. Do it until megabytes. 9. Back it up. 10 Eject floppy. From ecooper1 at optusnet.com.au Tue Oct 16 01:11:44 2007 From: ecooper1 at optusnet.com.au (Euan Cooper) Date: Tue, 16 Oct 2007 15:11:44 +1000 Subject: JOKE: Jesus v Satan 4/5 Message-ID: Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better on the computer. They had been going at it for days, and frankly God was tired of hearing all the bickering. Finally fed up, God said, "THAT'S IT! I have had enough. I am going to set up a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I will judge who does the better job." So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away They moused. They faxed. They e-mailed. They e-mailed with attachments. They downloaded. They did spreadsheets! They wrote reports. They created labels and cards. They created charts and graphs. They did some genealogy reports They did every job known to man. Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than hell. Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the power went off. Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed. Finally the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming: "It's gone! It's all GONE! "I lost everything when the power went out!" Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours of work. Satan observed this and became irate. "Wait!" he screamed. "That's not fair! He cheated! How come he has all his work and I don't have any?" God just shrugged and said, Jesus Saves From swelker-zonian-jokes at nemostar.com.au Thu Oct 18 21:14:52 2007 From: swelker-zonian-jokes at nemostar.com.au (Stephen Welker) Date: Fri, 19 Oct 2007 11:14:52 +1000 Subject: JOKE: A Medical Problem (3/5) References: <417B7F8F-06E0-4051-BEE9-0578126686E3@nemostar.com.au> Message-ID: <9BEEB102-B25B-4205-9E95-730A8BB7232E@nemostar.com.au> A Medical Problem An old woman came into her doctor's office and confessed to an embarrassing problem. "I fart all the time, Doctor Johnson, but they're soundless, and they have no odor. In fact, since I've been here, I've farted no less than twenty times. What can I do?" "Here's a prescription, Mrs. Harris. Take these pills three times a day for seven days and come back and see me in a week." Next week an upset Mrs. Harris marched into Dr. Johnson's office. "Doctor, I don't know what was in those pills, but the problem is worse! I'm farting just as much, but now they smell terrible! What do you have to say for yourself?" "Calm down, Mrs. Harris," said the doctor soothingly. "Now that we've fixed your sinuses, we'll work on your hearing!!!" From ecooper1 at optusnet.com.au Fri Oct 26 07:38:26 2007 From: ecooper1 at optusnet.com.au (Euan Cooper) Date: Fri, 26 Oct 2007 21:38:26 +1000 Subject: JOKE: THE ONION AND THE CHRISTMAS TREE 4/5 Message-ID: <0b218a95d9a9ff51f4b93f50c1640c9c@optusnet.com.au> The family is sitting at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobies are there?" The father, surprised, answers, "Well son, there are three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round & firm. In her thirties & forties, they are like pears, still nice, but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions." "Onions?" "Yes, when you see them, they will make you cry."? ? This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter says, "Mum, how many types of "willies" are there?" The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well, a man goes through three phases. In his twenties, his ?willie? is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thirties & forties, it's like a birch tree, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree." "A Christmas tree??" "Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only." From nicholas at nicholaspyers.com Sat Oct 27 04:59:56 2007 From: nicholas at nicholaspyers.com (Nicholas Pyers) Date: Sat, 27 Oct 2007 18:59:56 +1000 Subject: JOKE: 'Potentially' vs 'Realistically' [5/5] Message-ID: <6514F67A-1650-4C3D-8A8E-70CCD0A200DE@nicholaspyers.com> [Thanks to Noel for this gem] A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the difference between 'Potentially' and 'Realistically'?" The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then, ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that." So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The mother replied, "Of course, I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great university!" The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The girl replied, "Oh good heavens! I LOVE Brad Pitt and I would sleep with him in a heartbeat. Are you nuts?" The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" "Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million bucks would buy?" The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad. His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?" The boy replied: "Yes. 'Potentially,' you and I are sitting on three million dollars, but 'realistically,' we're living with two hookers and a future congressman.'' -- Nicholas Pyers (nicholas at nicholaspyers.com) "Heaven on Earth?" "No, Earth on Earth. The Just Earth!" From nicholas at nicholaspyers.com Sat Oct 27 05:03:02 2007 From: nicholas at nicholaspyers.com (Nicholas Pyers) Date: Sat, 27 Oct 2007 19:03:02 +1000 Subject: JOKE: Hot & Cold [5/5] Message-ID: <1B9CB8D6-E6D7-4396-9ED1-6F045BE03488@nicholaspyers.com> [Again, thanks to Noel for this one - my favourite is #11] The following are entries to a contest by The Washington Post, in which respondents had to write a two-line romantic poem ...except that the last line had to be as un-romantic as the first line was romantic. 1. My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife: Marrying you screwed up my life. 2. I see your face when I am dreaming. That's why I always wake up screaming. 3. Kind, intelligent, loving and hot; This describes everything you are not. 4. Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss, But I only slept with you because I was pissed. 5. I thought that I could love no other-- that is, until I met your brother. 6. Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you ~ But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head. 7. I want to feel your sweet embrace But don't take that paper bag off your face. 8. I love your smile, your face, and your eyes Damn, I'm good at telling lies! 9. My love, you take my breath away. What have you stepped in to smell this way? 10. My feelings for you no words can tell, Except for maybe "Go to hell." 11. What inspired this amorous rhyme? Two parts vodka, one part lime. -- Nicholas Pyers (nicholas at nicholaspyers.com) "Heaven on Earth?" "No, Earth on Earth. The Just Earth!" From swelker-zonian-jokes at nemostar.com.au Wed Oct 31 00:58:47 2007 From: swelker-zonian-jokes at nemostar.com.au (Stephen Welker) Date: Wed, 31 Oct 2007 15:58:47 +1100 Subject: JOKE: Serious (5/5) References: Message-ID: <116D961D-3A44-4FFF-B7AD-C709661EF9AA@nemostar.com.au> A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation. "Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?" "Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature." The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action." "Yes, ma'am, a lot of action." The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself." The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?" "1955, ma'am." "Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955!" She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to 'relax' him several times. Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!" The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his serious voice, "I hope not, it's only 2130 now."