From ecooper1 at optusnet.com.au Wed Sep 12 02:11:39 2007 From: ecooper1 at optusnet.com.au (Euan Cooper) Date: Wed, 12 Sep 2007 16:11:39 +1000 Subject: JOKE: Douglas the crab 4/5 Message-ID: <841f55c746e4e45a9f2ef94961bf5647@optusnet.com.au> Douglas the humble Crab and Kate the Lobster Princess were madly, deeply and passionately in Love. For months they enjoyed an idyllic relationship until one day Kate scuttled over to Douglas in tears. "We can't see each other any more..." she sobbed. "Why?" gasped Douglas. "Daddy says that crabs are too common," she wailed. "He claims you are a mere crab, and a poor one at that, and crabs are the lowest class of crustacean and that no daughter of his will marry someone who can only walk sideways." Douglas was shattered, and scuttled sidewards away into the darkness to drink himself into a filthy state of aquatic oblivion. That night, the great Lobster ball was taking place. Lobsters came from far and wide, dancing and merry making, but the lobster Princess refused to join in, choosing instead to sit by her father's side, inconsolable. Suddenly the doors burst open, and Douglas the crab strode in. The Lobsters all stopped their dancing, the Princess gasped and the King Lobster rose from his throne. Slowly, painstakingly, Douglas the crab made his way across the floor.......and all could see that he was walking, not sideways............ but FORWARDS......... Yes FORWARDS, one claw after another!! Step by step he made his approach towards the throne, until he looked the King lobster in the eye. There was a deadly hush.................................. Finally, the crab spoke....... "F**k, I'm pissed." From ecooper1 at optusnet.com.au Wed Sep 12 02:12:28 2007 From: ecooper1 at optusnet.com.au (Euan Cooper) Date: Wed, 12 Sep 2007 16:12:28 +1000 Subject: JOKE: Amazing dunnys 4/5 A Message-ID: <8925eff825b610b1dd031cc0730a490a@optusnet.com.au> A non-text attachment was scrubbed... Name: BA_OSDELMUNDO.PPS Type: application/vnd.ms-powerpoint Size: 947200 bytes Desc: not available Url : From ecooper1 at optusnet.com.au Wed Sep 19 01:33:50 2007 From: ecooper1 at optusnet.com.au (Euan Cooper) Date: Wed, 19 Sep 2007 15:33:50 +1000 Subject: JOKE: Songs 3/5 Message-ID: <18fbfe85e8df3e2305486c2337b76c48@optusnet.com.au> I was working part time in a five and dime. My boss was Mr. Magee. He was six foot four and full of muscles and walked like an Egyptian, but I was happy to be stuck with him. One manic Monday, while I was busy working for the weekend, I overheard him make a careless whisper. He told two of my co-workers, Jack and Diane, that I gave love a bad name. Well, I got so emotional, baby. I told him to say say say what he wants, but don't play games with my affection. He told me it was hard for him to say he's sorry and not to worry, to be happy. Then he blamed it on the rain. He was so out of touch. It just took my breath away. I couldn't fight this feeling any longer. I asked him "What's love got to do with it?" He told me to get outta his store and his dreams and into my car. So I figured I might as well jump. I cut footloose, went home and called my girl, Jenny. (You already know the number) She was on the other line with Amanda. They were talking about Mickey and how he was so fine. That blew my mind! Was she really going out with him? I told her that I had just called to say I love her. She told me she had been saving all her love for me, but now she was looking for a new love - asta la vista, baby. I thought "I can't go for that - no can do! Bring me a higher love!" I called up some of my old west end girls, hoping that one of them would want to get physical all night long (all night). First I called Billie Jean she me to beat it. I called Rosanna - her sister Christian blessed the rains down in Africa and then hung up on me. Come on, Eileen! ...no answer. Nobody told me there'd be days like these! I was feeling like the owner of a lonely heart. Then, out of the blue, my best friend's girlfriend (she used to be mine) Roxanne calls. Yes, the real Roxanne. She told me she still hadn't found what she's looking for and that she wanted to take on me. I said "I thought you were Jessie's girl." She said "Don't you want me? You don't have to put on the red light - I'm on my own." What a feeling! I had the eye of the tiger. Who was I f-f-f-foolin? Roxanne drove me crazy like no one else. She's a beauty! She blinded me with science, and weird science at that. There was always something there to remind me of her and I just knew that I'd have the time of my life. I wasn't about to la-di-da-di. I jumped in my little red Corvette and rocked down to Electric Avenue. I got my mind set on her. When I got to her house (in the middle of her street) I ran. I rapped on her front door and to this rapper's delight, I heard a voice say "Who can it be now?" "Here I am, the one that you love", I replied. I let my love open the door and was immediately lost in her eyes. I felt like a virgin touched for the very first time. She loosened her blouse and said "Rock me Amadeus!" Well, I felt it was my prerogative to bust a move. I told her "I'll tumble for ya!" as I pinned her on the stairs, hungry like the wolf. Just then I felt an invisible touch on my shoulder. "Turn around bright eyes!" said a familiar voice. As I did, Jessie hit me with a sledgehammer of an uppercut that spun me right round like a record. He was hangin' tough and continued to roll with it, knocking the wind from beneath my wings - broken wings by this time. He rocked me tonight, for old time's sake, beating me from head to toe, until my true colors were black and blue and blood was spilling from my mouth like red, red wine. "You don't owe me money for nothing!" he snarled. At this point I was livin' on a prayer. I crawled back to my little red Corvette and drove home thinking about how my tainted love had cut like a knife - how it seems that every rose, truly, has its thorn. No Longer do I want to know what love is. Love stinks! From ecooper1 at optusnet.com.au Fri Sep 21 19:19:01 2007 From: ecooper1 at optusnet.com.au (Euan Cooper) Date: Sat, 22 Sep 2007 09:19:01 +1000 Subject: JOKE: Internet Safety tips 4/5 Message-ID: A non-text attachment was scrubbed... Name: InternetSafetyTips001.gif Type: image/gif Size: 13409 bytes Desc: not available Url : -------------- next part -------------- A non-text attachment was scrubbed... Name: InternetSafetyTips002.gif Type: image/gif Size: 10319 bytes Desc: not available Url : -------------- next part -------------- A non-text attachment was scrubbed... Name: InternetSafetyTips003.gif Type: image/gif Size: 10234 bytes Desc: not available Url : -------------- next part -------------- A non-text attachment was scrubbed... Name: InternetSafetyTips004.gif Type: image/gif Size: 13805 bytes Desc: not available Url : -------------- next part -------------- A non-text attachment was scrubbed... Name: InternetSafetyTips005.gif Type: image/gif Size: 11790 bytes Desc: not available Url : -------------- next part -------------- A non-text attachment was scrubbed... Name: InternetSafetyTips006.gif Type: image/gif Size: 10121 bytes Desc: not available Url : -------------- next part -------------- A non-text attachment was scrubbed... Name: InternetSafetyTips007.gif Type: image/gif Size: 11870 bytes Desc: not available Url : -------------- next part -------------- A non-text attachment was scrubbed... Name: InternetSafetyTips008.gif Type: image/gif Size: 9801 bytes Desc: not available Url : -------------- next part -------------- A non-text attachment was scrubbed... Name: InternetSafetyTips009.gif Type: image/gif Size: 11753 bytes Desc: not available Url : From ecooper1 at optusnet.com.au Sat Sep 22 07:11:52 2007 From: ecooper1 at optusnet.com.au (Euan Cooper) Date: Sat, 22 Sep 2007 21:11:52 +1000 Subject: JOKE: Women's Favourite E-mail of the Year 4/5 Message-ID: <02f517d31dcd29973968badf48f8ae7c@optusnet.com.au> A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed: "Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please allow her body to switch with mine for a day. Amen." God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish. The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman. - He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids,set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school,came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to make a deposit, went grocery shopping, then drove home to put away the groceries, paid the bills and balanced the check book. He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog. Then it was already 1P.M. and he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and Mop the kitchen floor. Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home. Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework, then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing. At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper. After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed. At 9 P.M. he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint. The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said: "Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, oh! oh! please, let us trade back." The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied: "My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were. You'll just have to wait nine months though. You got pregnant last night." This has been voted Women's Favourite E-mail of the Year From swelker-zonian-jokes at nemostar.com.au Mon Sep 24 20:07:32 2007 From: swelker-zonian-jokes at nemostar.com.au (Stephen Welker) Date: Tue, 25 Sep 2007 10:07:32 +1000 Subject: JOKE: Australian Tourism Website (4/5) References: <006201c7fe82$c7c3f3e0$0200a8c0@terry3739de271> Message-ID: <16C82D5A-4575-4483-921D-4C8115BFA3B7@nemostar.com.au> These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a sense of humor. __________________________________________________ Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia ? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? ( UK ). A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die. __________________________________________________ Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? ( USA ) A: Depends how much you've been drinking. __________________________________________________ Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks ( Sweden )? A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water. __________________________________________________ Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia ? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane , Cairns , Townsville andHervey Bay ? ( UK ) A: What did your last slave die of? __________________________________________________ Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia ? ( USA ) A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe . Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not .... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked. __________________________________________________ Q: Which direction is North in Australia ? ( USA ) A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions. _________________________________________________ Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia ? ( UK ) A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do. __________________________________________________ Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boy s' Choir schedule? ( USA ) A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is ... oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked. __________________________________________________ Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia ? ( UK ) A: You are a British politician, right? __________________________________________________ Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? ( Germany ) A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal. __________________________________________________ Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can Dispense rattlesnake serum. ( USA ) A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets. __________________________________________________ Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia , but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. ( USA ) A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking. __________________________________________________ Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia ? ( USA ) A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather. __________________________________________________ Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? ( Italy ) A: Yes, gay night clubs. __________________________________________________ Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia ? ( France ) A: Only at Christmas. __________________________________________________ Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the Girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross*. Can you help? ( USA ) A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour. __________________________________________________ Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA ) A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first. From swelker-zonian-jokes at nemostar.com.au Mon Sep 24 20:16:02 2007 From: swelker-zonian-jokes at nemostar.com.au (Stephen Welker) Date: Tue, 25 Sep 2007 10:16:02 +1000 Subject: JOKE: Divorce, Custody, and Pepsi Cola (4/5) References: <011d01c7fe8b$1f6fd340$0200a8c0@terry3739de271> Message-ID: Only in America... A man and his wife were getting a divorce at a local court, but the custody of their children posed a problem. The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she had brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them. The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his side of the story. After a long moment of silence, the man rose from his chair and replied: "Judge, when I put a dollar into a vending machine and a Pepsi comes out, does the Pepsi belong to me or to the machine?" Don't laugh, he won! From ecooper1 at optusnet.com.au Thu Sep 27 06:53:09 2007 From: ecooper1 at optusnet.com.au (Euan Cooper) Date: Thu, 27 Sep 2007 20:53:09 +1000 Subject: JOKE: Feathers in the Head dress 4/5 Message-ID: Barbara Walters was doing a documentary on the customs of American Indians. After a tour of the reservation they were on, she asked why the difference in the number of feathers in the head dress. She asked a brave with only one feather in his head dress. His reply was, ?me sleep with one squaw, have only one feather.? She asked another brave feeling the first fellow was only joking. This brave had only four feathers. He replied, ?ugh, me four feathers cause me sleep with four squaw.? Still not convinced the number of feathers indicated the number of squaws involved, she decided to interview the chief. now the chief had a head dress full of feathers, which needless to say amused Ms. Walters. She asked the chief. ?why do you have so many feathers on your head dress?? The chief proudly pounded his chest and said, ?Me f-em all, big, small, fat, tall, me f-em all?. Horrified Ms. Walters said, ?You ought to be hung !? The chief replied, ?You damn right me hung, big like buffalo, long like snake!? Ms. Walters cried, ?You don?t have to be so hostile?. The chief replied, ?Hoss-style, dog-style, wolf-style, any style, me f-em all!? Tears in her eyes, Ms. Walters cried, ?Oh dear?. The chief said ?No deer me f-em no deer, asshole too high and they run too fast. No f-em deer?. From ecooper1 at optusnet.com.au Sat Sep 29 02:19:08 2007 From: ecooper1 at optusnet.com.au (Euan Cooper) Date: Sat, 29 Sep 2007 16:19:08 +1000 Subject: JOKE: The Sixth Sense 4/5 Message-ID: <3e27bd559c2c72243890bfc9e7fd5b67@optusnet.com.au> A woman goes to the local psychic in hopes of contacting her dearly departed grandmother. The psychic's eyelids begin fluttering, her voice begins warbling, her hands float up above the table, and she begins moaning. Eventually, a coherent voice emanates, saying, "Granddaughter? Are you there?" The customer, wide-eyed and on the edge of her seat, responds, "Grandmother? Is that you?" "Yes granddaughter, it's me." "It's really, really you, Grandmother?" the woman repeats. "Yes, it's really me, granddaughter." The woman looks puzzled, "You're sure it's you, Grandmother?" "Yes, granddaughter, I'm sure it's me." The woman pauses a moment, "Grandmother, I have just one question for you." "Anything, my child." "Grandmother, when did you learn to speak English?"