From ecooper1 at optusnet.com.au Fri Apr 4 07:13:01 2008 From: ecooper1 at optusnet.com.au (Euan Cooper) Date: Fri, 4 Apr 2008 21:13:01 +1000 Subject: JOKE: Hi Ho!, Hi Ho! Its off to work we go.... 4/5 Message-ID: <40dda7cbb05cc03859303f7d595f5881@optusnet.com.au> There I was on my way to work. Getting into a fight was the farthest thing from my mind... wasn't even on the horizon. I was in a great mood?singing along with the radio - and then? I rear-ended a car. So there we are alongside the road and slowly the driver gets out of the car (and you know that nervous reaction when you see the funny side of something that's not funny at all?) Yeah, well, I could NOT believe it. He was a DWARF! He storms over to my car, glowers in the window and shouts, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!' So, I look out at him, burst out laughing and say, 'Well, which one are you then?' And that's when the fight started. From nicholas at nicholaspyers.com Fri Apr 4 10:14:42 2008 From: nicholas at nicholaspyers.com (Nicholas Pyers) Date: Sat, 5 Apr 2008 01:14:42 +1100 Subject: JOKE: I will Survive [5/5] Message-ID: <7F23AD74-2353-4383-87CB-6E717E25AEB5@nicholaspyers.com> [Thanks to Ben for this one - I'm sure many of the ladies will appreciate this and perhaps some of the gentlemen will as well ;) ] Sing to the tune of "I will Survive" At first I was afraid, I was petrified. When you said you had 10 inches, Lord I almost died! But I'd spent so many years just waiting for a man that long, That I grew strong, and I knew that I could take you on... But there you are, another lie, I was ready for a Big Mac and you've brought me a French fry! I should have known that it was bulls***t, just a sad pathetic dream Should have known there was no Anaconda lurking in those Jeans! Go on now-go! , Walk out the door, Don't you promise me 10 inches, then turn up with only 4! Weren't you a brat to think I wouldn't find you out!? Don't you know we're only joking when we say size don't count??!! [Chorus] I will survive! I will survive! Cuz as long as I have batteries, My sex life's gonna thrive! I will always have good sex, With a handful of latex! I will survive! I will survive! Hey! Hey! It took all my self control not to laugh out loud, When I saw your little wiener standing tall and proud! But to hell with your ego and to hell with all your needs, Now I'm saving all my lovin' for a cordless multispeed! [Chorus] I will survive! I will survive! Cuz as long as I have batteries, My sex life's gonna thrive! I will always have good sex, With a handful of latex! I will survive! I will survive! Hey! Hey! -- Nicholas Pyers (nicholas at nicholaspyers.com) "Heaven on Earth?" "No, Earth on Earth. The Just Earth!" From ecooper1 at optusnet.com.au Mon Apr 7 03:33:10 2008 From: ecooper1 at optusnet.com.au (Euan Cooper) Date: Mon, 7 Apr 2008 17:33:10 +1000 Subject: JOKE: Italian shoes 4/5 Message-ID: <32d0a56efec8414c1512836cea85ea85@optusnet.com.au> Gennaro is in this country for?only 6 months. He walks to work 20 blocks every day and passes a shoe store. Each day he stops and looks in the window to admire?the Boccelli leather shoes. He wants those shoes so much... it's all he can think about. After about 2 months he saves the price of the shoes, $300,?and purchases them. Every Friday night the Italian community holds a dance in the church basement. Gennaro seizes this opportunity to wear his new Boccelli leather shoes for the first time. He asks Sophia to dance and as they dance he asks her, 'Sophia, do you wear red panties tonight?' Startled, Sophia replies, 'Yes, Gennaro, I do wear red panties tonight, but how do you know?' Gennaro answers, 'I see the reflection in my new $300 Boccelli leather shoes. How do you like them?' Next he asks Rosa to dance, and after a few minutes he asks, 'Rosa , do you wear white panties tonight?' Rosa answers, 'Yes, Gennaro, I do, but how do you know that?' He replies, 'I see the reflection in my new $300 Boccelli leather shoes. How do you like them?' Now as the evening is almost over and the last song is being played, Gennaro asks Carmela to dance. Midway through the dance his face turns red. He states,?'Carmela, be stilla my heart, please, please tell me you wear no panties tonight, please, please, tella me this true!' Carmela smiles coyly and answers, 'Yes Gennaro, I wear no panties tonight.' Gennaro gasps, 'Thanka God .. I thought I had a CRACK in my $300 Boccelli leather shoes!' From ecooper1 at optusnet.com.au Thu Apr 17 07:29:42 2008 From: ecooper1 at optusnet.com.au (Euan Cooper) Date: Thu, 17 Apr 2008 21:29:42 +1000 Subject: JOKE: Irish Science 3/5 Message-ID: <77340d1c121ca9b1575aa798ba273b5b@optusnet.com.au> After having dug to a depth of 10 meters last year, Scottish scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago. Not to be outdone by the Scots, in the weeks that followed, English scientists dug to a depth of 20 meters, and shortly thereafter, headlines in the UK newspapers read: 'British archaeologists have found traces of 200 year-old copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the Scots. One week later, 'The Kerryman', a Southwest Irish newsletter reported the following: 'After digging as deep as 30 meters in the peat bog near Tralee, Paddy O' Toole, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he had found absolutely nothing. Paddy has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Ireland had already gone wireless. From ecooper1 at optusnet.com.au Tue Apr 22 02:30:45 2008 From: ecooper1 at optusnet.com.au (Euan Cooper) Date: Tue, 22 Apr 2008 16:30:45 +1000 Subject: JOKE: Just a Mum? 5/5 Message-ID: A woman, renewing her driver's license at the Motor Registration office, was asked by the counter clerk to state her occupation. She hesitated, uncertain how to classify herself. 'What I mean is,' explained the counter clerk, 'do you have a job or are you just a ...?' 'Of course I have a job,' snapped the woman. 'I'm a Mum.' 'We don't list 'Mum' as an occupation, 'housewife' covers it,' Said the clerk emphatically. I forgot all about her story until one day I found myself in the same situation, this time at our own Medicare office. ? ? The Clerk was obviously a career woman, poised, efficient, and possessed of a high sounding title like, 'Official Interrogator' or 'Town Registrar.' 'What is your occupation?' she probed. What made me say it? I do not know. The words simply popped out. 'I'm a Research Associate in the field of Child Development and Human Relations.' The clerk paused, ball-point pen frozen in midair and looked up as though she had not heard right. I repeated the title slowly emphasizing the most significant words. Then I stared with wonder as my pronouncement was written, in bold, black ink on the official questionnaire. 'Might I ask,' said the clerk with new interest, 'just what you do in your field?' Coolly, without any trace of fluster in my voice, I heard myself reply, 'I have a continuing program of research, (what mother doesn't) In the laboratory and in the field, (normally I would have said indoors and out). I'm working for my Masters, (first the Lord and then the whole family) and already have four credits (all daughters). Of course, the job is one of the most demanding in the humanities, (any mother care to disagree?) and I often work 14 hours a day, (24 is more like it). But the job is more challenging than most run-of-the-mill careers and the rewards are more of a satisfaction rather than just money.' There was an increasing note of respect in the clerk's voice as she completed the form, stood up, and personally ushered me to the door. As I drove into our driveway, buoyed up by my glamorous new career, I was greeted by my lab assistants -- ages 13, 7, and 3.?Upstairs I could hear our new experimental model,?(a 6 month old baby) in the child development program, testing out a new vocal pattern. ??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????? I felt I had scored a beat on bureaucracy! And I had gone on the official records as someone more distinguished and indispensable to mankind than 'just another Mum.' ? Motherhood!??????????????????????????????????????????? What a glorious career! Especially when there's a title on the door. Does this make grandmothers 'Senior Research associates in the field of Child Development and Human Relations' And great grandmothers 'Executive Senior Research Associates?' I think so!!! I also think it makes Aunts 'Associate Research Assistants.' From ecooper1 at optusnet.com.au Tue Apr 22 02:45:22 2008 From: ecooper1 at optusnet.com.au (Euan Cooper) Date: Tue, 22 Apr 2008 16:45:22 +1000 Subject: JOKE: 3 Footy fans 5/5 Message-ID: Three footy fans were walking back from the MCG when one noticed a foot sticking out of the bushes by the side of Jolimont Road. They stopped and discovered a nude female unconscious and near death so one of them phoned the police and also requested an ambulance. Out of respect and propriety, the Melbourne fan took off his cap and placed it over one of the female's breasts. The Richmond fan took off his cap and placed it over her other breast. Following their lead, but with great reluctance, the Collingwood fan took off his cap and placed it over her girly part. The police arrived first and an officer began to conduct his investigation. First he lifted up the Demons cap, replaced it and made an entry in his notebook. Next, he lifted the Richmond cap and replaced it; making more notes in his book. Then the officer lifted the Collingwood cap, replaced it, lifted it again, replaced it, lifted it a third time and replaced it one last time - shaking his head in disbelief. The Collingwood fan was extremely annoyed and challenged him, "What are you, a pervert or something mate? Why do you keep lifting and looking, lifting and looking?" "Well," said the officer, "I'm a little surprised and confused. "Normally, when you look under a Collingwood cap ... You'll find an asshole." From ecooper1 at optusnet.com.au Wed Apr 30 03:22:45 2008 From: ecooper1 at optusnet.com.au (Euan Cooper) Date: Wed, 30 Apr 2008 17:22:45 +1000 Subject: JOKE: When insults had class 4/5 Message-ID: <1703aa5a2f8da2b214b748daa5994ae1@optusnet.com.au> ?There was a time when words were used ?beautifully. ?These glorious insults are from an era when ?cleverness with words was still valued, before a great portion of the ?English language was boiled down to four-letter ?words! ?The exchange between Churchill and Lady ?Astor: ?She said, "If you were my husband, I'd give you poison," ?and he said, "If you were my wife, I'd take it." Gladstone, a member of Parliament, to ?Benjamin Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some ?unspeakable disease." "That depends, sir," said Disraeli, "On whether I ?embrace your policies or your mistress." "He had delusions of adequacy." Walter ?Kerr "He has all the virtues I dislike and ?none of the vices I admire." Winston Churchill "A modest little person, with much to ?be modest about." Winston Churchill "I have never killed a man, but I have ?read many obituaries with great pleasure." Clarence ?Darrow ?"He has never been known to use a word ?that might send a reader to the dictionary." William Faulkner (about ?Ernest Hemingway). "Poor Faulkner. ?Does he really ?think big emotions come from big words?" Ernest Hemingway (about William ?Faulkner) ?"Thank you for sending me a copy of ?your book; I'll waste no time reading it." Moses ?Hadas ?"He can compress the most words into ?the smallest idea of any man I know." Abraham ?Lincoln ?"I didn't attend the funeral, but I ?sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." Mark ?Twain "He has no enemies, but is intensely ?disliked by his friends." Oscar Wilde ?"I am enclosing two tickets to the ?first night of my new play; bring a friend.... ?if you have one." ?George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill ?"Cannot possibly attend first night, ?will attend second... ?if there is one." ?Winston Churchill, ?in response. ?"I feel so miserable without you; it's ?almost like having you here." Stephen Bishop ?"He is a self-made man and worships his ?creator." John Bright ?"I've just learned about his ?illness. ?Let's hope it's nothing trivial." Irvin S. ??Cobb ?"He is not only dull himself, he is the ?cause of dullness in others." Samuel Johnson ?? ?"He is simply a shiver looking for a ?spine to run up." Paul Keating ?"There's nothing wrong with you that ?reincarnation won't cure. ?Jack E. ??Leonard ??"He has the attention span of a ?lightning bolt." Robert Redford ?"They never open their mouths without ?subtracting from the sum of human knowledge." Thomas Brackett ?Reed ?"In order to avoid being called a ?flirt, she always yielded easily." Charles, Count ?Talleyrand ?"He loves nature in spite of what it ?did to him." Forrest Tucker ?"Why do you sit there looking like an ?envelope without any address on it?" - Mark Twain ?"His mother should have thrown him away ?and kept the stork." Mae West ?"Some cause happiness wherever they go; ?others, whenever they go." Oscar Wilde ?"He uses statistics as a drunken man ?uses lamp-posts... ?for support rather than illumination." Andrew ?Lang (1844- 1912) ?"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." ?Billy Wilder ?"I've had a perfectly wonderful ?evening. ?But this wasn't it." Groucho Marx