From ecooper1 at optusnet.com.au Fri Feb 8 01:43:14 2008 From: ecooper1 at optusnet.com.au (Euan Cooper) Date: Fri, 8 Feb 2008 17:43:14 +1100 Subject: JOKE: Wayne Carey on the Freeway 5/5 Message-ID: <70d476af0cc261cddb3c27e15c75924f@optusnet.com.au> A man, on his way home from work was stuck in traffic on the Monash freeway which was much worse than usual. Noticing a policeman walking among the stalled cars, he asked, "Officer, what's the holdup?" The policeman says: "Wayne Carey is so depressed about being caught beating up his girlfriend he's stopped his car and is threatening to douse himself in petrol and set himself on fire. He says his family hates him, fans hate him, his former team mates hate him and he now won't have the $1million from his footy show contract. I'm walking around taking up a collection for him." "Oh, really?" the man says. "How much have you collected so far?" "So far only 18 litres, but a lot of people are still siphoning." From ecooper1 at optusnet.com.au Mon Feb 11 01:52:47 2008 From: ecooper1 at optusnet.com.au (Euan Cooper) Date: Mon, 11 Feb 2008 17:52:47 +1100 Subject: JOKE: Stevie Wonder vs Tiger Woods 5/5 Message-ID: <55f7840ac554c31f5d034dc3c05bf4f1@optusnet.com.au> Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a bar. Tiger turns to Stevie and says, "How's the singing career going?" ? Stevie replies, "Not too bad... How's the golf?" ? Woods replies, "Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that right now". ? Stevie says, "I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it.? Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right." ? Tiger says, "You play golf?" ? Stevie says, "Yes, I've been playing for years". ? Tiger says, "But, you're blind. How can you play golf if you can't see?" ? Stevie Wonder replies, "I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice." ? "But, how do you putt?" asks Tiger ? "Well", says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball towards his voice." ? Tiger asks, "What's your handicap?" ? Stevie says, "Well, I'm a scratch golfer." ? Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, "We've got to play a round sometime." ? Wonder replies, "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole". ? Woods thinks about it and says, "OK, I'm game for that, - when would you like to play?" ? Stevie says, "Pick a night". From nicholas at nicholaspyers.com Tue Feb 12 23:13:07 2008 From: nicholas at nicholaspyers.com (Nicholas Pyers) Date: Wed, 13 Feb 2008 15:13:07 +1100 Subject: JOKE: Ralph's Surgery [5/5] Message-ID: <632ADD36-84D8-400D-8E27-66259A96330B@nicholaspyers.com> [Thanks to Noel for this one] When Ralph first noticed that his penis was growing larger and staying erect longer, he was delighted, as was his wife. But after several weeks, his penis had grown fifty centimetres. Ralph became quite concerned. He was having problems dressing, and even walking. So he and his wife went to see a prominent urologist. After an initial examination, the doctor explained to the couple that, though rare, Ralph's condition could be fixed through corrective surgery. "How long will Ralph be on crutches?" the wife asked anxiously. "Crutches? Why would he need crutches?" responded the surprised doctor. "Well," said the wife coldly, "you're gunna lengthen his legs, aren't you? -- Nicholas Pyers (nicholas at nicholaspyers.com) "Heaven on Earth?" "No, Earth on Earth. The Just Earth!" From ecooper1 at optusnet.com.au Thu Feb 14 01:18:42 2008 From: ecooper1 at optusnet.com.au (Euan Cooper) Date: Thu, 14 Feb 2008 17:18:42 +1100 Subject: JOKE: Sex on the fence 5/5 Message-ID: <42717a66f0474cab14b01366be408c3c@optusnet.com.au> The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this very tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.' 'Yes', she says, 'I remember it well.' 'OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?' 'Oh Charlie, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!' A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them. The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing. I've got to ask them what their secret is. So, as the couple passes, he says to them,' Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?' Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, 'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence. From nicholas at nicholaspyers.com Thu Feb 14 19:28:52 2008 From: nicholas at nicholaspyers.com (Nicholas Pyers) Date: Fri, 15 Feb 2008 11:28:52 +1100 Subject: JOKE: New Master Reference binder (1,000/5 A) References: Message-ID: <48BBA313-51E0-4D04-A772-AEEF585F2900@nicholaspyers.com> Dear Staff: I have spent the last few weeks compiling a Master Reference binder to help deal with office issues. Inside this binder you will find "solutions" to everyday problems you may encounter at work. So if you are having problems with the photocopier, or you're having difficulty dealing with co-workers, or if Friday won't come fast enough .... Come track down this red binder to help get you through the day. I've already utilised it today and found it very helpful! -------------- next part -------------- A non-text attachment was scrubbed... Name: aW1hZ2UwMDEuanBn.jpeg Type: image/jpeg Size: 51428 bytes Desc: not available Url : -------------- next part -------------- -------------- next part -------------- A non-text attachment was scrubbed... Name: aW1hZ2UwMDIuanBn.jpeg Type: image/jpeg Size: 58800 bytes Desc: not available Url : -------------- next part -------------- -------------- next part -------------- A non-text attachment was scrubbed... Name: aW1hZ2UwMDMuanBn.jpeg Type: image/jpeg Size: 58940 bytes Desc: not available Url : -------------- next part -------------- -------------- next part -------------- A non-text attachment was scrubbed... Name: aW1hZ2UwMDQuanBn.jpeg Type: image/jpeg Size: 58335 bytes Desc: not available Url : -------------- next part -------------- -------------- next part -------------- A non-text attachment was scrubbed... Name: aW1hZ2UwMDUuanBn.jpeg Type: image/jpeg Size: 55058 bytes Desc: not available Url : -------------- next part -------------- -- Nicholas Pyers (nicholas at nicholaspyers.com) "Heaven on Earth?" "No, Earth on Earth. The Just Earth!" From ecooper1 at optusnet.com.au Fri Feb 15 01:37:56 2008 From: ecooper1 at optusnet.com.au (Euan Cooper) Date: Fri, 15 Feb 2008 17:37:56 +1100 Subject: JOKE: The Wedding Test 5/5 Message-ID: <5228fb6be70ac5f525613b12eb138f0a@optusnet.com.au> I was a very happy person. My wonderful girlfriend and I had?? been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There? was only one little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful younger sister. My? prospective sister-in-law was? twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was? bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and? I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else. One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me?? that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her? sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.? She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling,? just come up and get me.? I was stunned and frozen in shock as I? watched? her go up the stairs. I stood there? for a moment, then turned and? made a? beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and? headed straight? towards my? car. ? Lo and behold, my entire future? family was standing outside,? all clapping!? With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me? and said,? "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for? better man for? our daughter.? Welcome to? the family." And the moral? of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car. From ecooper1 at optusnet.com.au Fri Feb 15 01:41:08 2008 From: ecooper1 at optusnet.com.au (Euan Cooper) Date: Fri, 15 Feb 2008 17:41:08 +1100 Subject: JOKE: Ralph & Edna 5/5 Message-ID: <8428709e5105dbadc3b57ba2d4044308@optusnet.com.au> Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have. Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day?while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. ? Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable. ?When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead." Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him?there to dry. How soon can I go home?" From ecooper1 at optusnet.com.au Fri Feb 15 04:46:42 2008 From: ecooper1 at optusnet.com.au (Euan Cooper) Date: Fri, 15 Feb 2008 20:46:42 +1100 Subject: JOKE: 4 miracles of a woman 5/5 Message-ID: <4b32ff0d024bb60d6ae464f7cdad29a9@optusnet.com.au> 1. Getting wet without taking a shower. 2. Bleeding without getting hurt. 3. Giving milk without eating grass. 4. Making boneless flesh hard. From ecooper1 at optusnet.com.au Tue Feb 19 23:01:19 2008 From: ecooper1 at optusnet.com.au (Euan Cooper) Date: Wed, 20 Feb 2008 15:01:19 +1100 Subject: JOKE: Roll call 4/5 Message-ID: <7c0556b4f33d770812a8455730e6b7bc@optusnet.com.au> On the first day of third grade, Miss Torch took roll. "My name is Johnny Fuckhauer," said one boy. "I won't tolerate such language in my class", Miss Torch fumed. "Tell me your real name." "That is my real name," Johnny insisted. "You can ask my brother over in the fourth grade." The determined teacher marched across the hall. "Do you have a Fuckhauer in here?" Miss Torch asked the class. "Hell no," a bold lad retorted. "We don't even get a cookie break!" From ecooper1 at optusnet.com.au Tue Feb 19 23:03:07 2008 From: ecooper1 at optusnet.com.au (Euan Cooper) Date: Wed, 20 Feb 2008 15:03:07 +1100 Subject: JOKE: Thinkers and talkers 5/5 Message-ID: <1744023c2f09cf2c44fd651a204d129f@optusnet.com.au> Why are men Thinkers and women Talkers? Because men have two heads and women have four lips.