From ecooper1 at optusnet.com.au Tue Jan 1 05:01:44 2008 From: ecooper1 at optusnet.com.au (Euan Cooper) Date: Tue, 1 Jan 2008 21:01:44 +1100 Subject: JOKE: New Year Pick-Up Lines 3/5 Message-ID: <6f9351db1c9e596503b3063d7191494f@optusnet.com.au> Guy- Are you from Tennessee? Girl- No why? Guy- Cause you?re the only 10 I see. Whoever made the alphabet was wrong because U & I should be together. You must be tired 'cause you've been runnin' through my mind all day! Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk past again? If the only way I can be with you is in my dreams, then let me sleep forever. Once, I was in a bar and I had a man walk up to me and ask if he could see the tag of my shirt. I was very hesitant, but I said okay. He pulled it out and looked me square in the eyes and said, "Just as I thought... made in heaven." I'm sorry, were you talking to me? No? Well then, please start. From swelker-zonian-jokes at nemostar.com.au Wed Jan 2 21:53:25 2008 From: swelker-zonian-jokes at nemostar.com.au (Stephen Welker) Date: Thu, 3 Jan 2008 13:53:25 +1100 Subject: JOKE: Medical Mishaps (4/5) References: <00ba01c84686$e578f290$0200a8c0@terry3739de271> Message-ID: Sometimes the truth is more amusing than fiction: * * * A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there are several cabs, and I was in the wrong one. * * * At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths" I instructed. "Yes, they used to be." remorsed the patient. * * * One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart". * * * I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, "Cover your right eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line perfectly. "Now your left." Again, a flawless read. "Now both." I requested. There was silence. He couldn't even read the large E on the top line. I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked; he was standing there with both his eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam. * * * During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed his doctor that he was having trouble with one of his medications. "Which one?" asked the doctor. "The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" The doctor had him quickly undress and discovered what he hoped he wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one. * * * I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, "So how's your breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste" the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled, "KY Jelly" From ecooper1 at optusnet.com.au Sat Jan 12 04:50:40 2008 From: ecooper1 at optusnet.com.au (Euan Cooper) Date: Sat, 12 Jan 2008 20:50:40 +1100 Subject: JOKE: Banana Loaf 4/5 Message-ID: <5fad3a23b713c8a8679a9d0d89c57270@optusnet.com.au> Banana Loaf 2 laughing eyes 2 bowing arms 2 well-shaped legs 2 firm milk containers 1 fur-lined mixing bowl 1 banana Look into laughing eyes, spread well-shaped legs and slowly squeeze and massage milk containers gently until mixing bowl is well greased. Check frequently with middle finger. Add banana and gently work in and out until creamed. Cover with nuts and garnish with a sigh of relief. Bread is done when banana is soft. Be sure to wash mixing utensils and do not lick the bowl. WARNING: If bread rises, LEAVE TOWN !!!!!!!! From ecooper1 at optusnet.com.au Sun Jan 13 05:28:47 2008 From: ecooper1 at optusnet.com.au (Euan Cooper) Date: Sun, 13 Jan 2008 21:28:47 +1100 Subject: JOKE: Why men shouldn't remain single 4/5 (A) Message-ID: <5fa380f2dc7567e60e4506378b16c570@optusnet.com.au> A non-text attachment was scrubbed... Name: 1770.jpg Type: image/jpeg Size: 30359 bytes Desc: not available Url : From ecooper1 at optusnet.com.au Mon Jan 14 01:00:09 2008 From: ecooper1 at optusnet.com.au (Euan Cooper) Date: Mon, 14 Jan 2008 17:00:09 +1100 Subject: JOKE: Pass the Salt... 4/5 Message-ID: Three Hells Angels are sitting at a table in a transport cafe when in walks a Nun, takes a seat next to them and begins to eat. Astonished, one of them say's, "I went to my parents wedding last week and we all got rat-arsed." Being quick on the uptake the second one says, "My dad says he will marry my mum next year." Despite this the Nun stays right where she is. In desperation the third one says, "My old man will never ever marry my mum." The Nun looks up from her food and says, "Would one of you bastards please pass the salt." From ecooper1 at optusnet.com.au Tue Jan 15 00:29:00 2008 From: ecooper1 at optusnet.com.au (Euan Cooper) Date: Tue, 15 Jan 2008 16:29:00 +1100 Subject: JOKE: Spam protection program 4/5 (A) Message-ID: A non-text attachment was scrubbed... Name: 20041101.jpg Type: image/jpeg Size: 25792 bytes Desc: not available Url : From ecooper1 at optusnet.com.au Fri Jan 18 05:53:07 2008 From: ecooper1 at optusnet.com.au (Euan Cooper) Date: Fri, 18 Jan 2008 21:53:07 +1100 Subject: JOKE: Chinese emergency 4/5 Message-ID: Caller : Hello, can I speak to Annie Wan ? Operator : Yes, you can speak to me. Caller: No, I want to speak to Annie Wan! Operator: You are talking to someone! Who is this? Caller: I'm Sum Wan .And I need to talk to Annie Wan! It's urgent. Operator: I know u are someone and u want to talk to anyone! But what's this urgent matter about? Caller: Well just tell my sister Annie Wan that our brother, Noe Wan was involved in an accident. Noe Wan got injured and now Noe Wan is being sent to the hospital. Rightnow, Avery Wan is on his way to the hospital. Operator: Look if no one was injured and no one was sent to the hospital from the accident that isn't an urgent matter! You may find this hilarious but I don't have time for this! Caller: You are so rude! Who are you? Operator: I'm Saw Lee. Caller: Yes! You should be sorry. Now give me your name From ecooper1 at optusnet.com.au Mon Jan 21 00:41:56 2008 From: ecooper1 at optusnet.com.au (Euan Cooper) Date: Mon, 21 Jan 2008 16:41:56 +1100 Subject: JOKE: Romantic Countries 4/5 Message-ID: <668013b6c65690fd956a69ebf5afe372@optusnet.com.au> B.A.L.I - Beauty And Love Indefinitely C.A.N.A.D.A -Cute And Naughty Action that Developed into Attraction. C.H.I.N.A - Come Here.. I Need Affection. E.G.Y.P.T - Everything Nice, Yet Pretty Tempting F.R.A.N.C.E - Friendships Remain And Never Can End. H.O.L.L.A.N.D - Hope Our Love Lasts And Never Dies. I.N.D.I.A - I Nearly Died In Adoration. I.T.A.L.Y - I Trust And Love You. K.E.N.Y.A - Keep Everything Nice, Yet Arousing. K.O.R.E.A - Keep Optimistic Regardless of Every Adversity. L.I.B.Y.A - Love Is Beautiful; You Also. M.A.N.I.L.A - May All Nights Inspire Love Always. N.E.P.A.L - Never Ever Part As Lover. P.H.I.L.I.P.P.I.N.E.S - Pumping Hot.. I Love It! Please, Please..I Need Erotic Stimulation! S.I.N.G.A.P.O.R.E - Sex Is Needed; Gals Are Priceless; Orgies R Excellent... U.S.A - Uniquely Sexy (&) Amorous From ecooper1 at optusnet.com.au Mon Jan 21 00:48:50 2008 From: ecooper1 at optusnet.com.au (Euan Cooper) Date: Mon, 21 Jan 2008 16:48:50 +1100 Subject: JOKE: Look at that 4/5 Message-ID: <84fcbb3454e06835e39acb71abd9ee81@optusnet.com.au> One day a father and his ten-year-old son were on the bus, when the boy noticed a redhead with huge breasts. "Hey Pop," the son cried, "look at those boobs!" The father, a religious man proceeded to send the boy to a military academy. Six months later the boy came home and the father decided to take him on another bus ride. Again, a woman with very large breasts sat across from them. To see if his son had learned any manners, the father exclaimed, "Look at the boobs on that redhead!" "Boobs my eye," the boy replied with a smile, "get a load of the arse on that bus driver!" From ecooper1 at optusnet.com.au Mon Jan 21 01:01:59 2008 From: ecooper1 at optusnet.com.au (Euan Cooper) Date: Mon, 21 Jan 2008 17:01:59 +1100 Subject: JOKE: Martian Sex 4/5 Message-ID: The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough Frequent Flier miles. They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc. Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex. "Just how do you guys do it?" asks Maureen. The Martian responds, "Pretty much the way you do." A discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another.. Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny, weenie member about half an inch long and just a quarter-inch thick. "I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen. "Why?" he asks. "What's the matter?" "Well," she replies, "it's just not long enough to reach me!" "No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long. "Well," she says, "that's quite impressive, but it is still narrow." "No problem," he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman. "Wow!" she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad passionate love. The next day the couples rejoin their other partners and go their separate ways. As they walked along, Mike asks, "Well, was it any good?" "I hate to say it," says Maureen, "but it was wonderful. How about you?" "It was horrible," he replies. "All I got was a headache. She kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears."