From ecooper1 at optusnet.com.au Tue Jul 8 00:43:36 2008 From: ecooper1 at optusnet.com.au (Euan Cooper) Date: Tue, 8 Jul 2008 14:43:36 +1000 Subject: JOKE: A classic poem 4/5 Message-ID: <878705364b13bac1c8738074b9577daa@optusnet.com.au> A non-text attachment was scrubbed... Name: 1627.jpg Type: image/jpeg Size: 80681 bytes Desc: not available Url : From ecooper1 at optusnet.com.au Thu Jul 10 13:16:11 2008 From: ecooper1 at optusnet.com.au (Euan Cooper) Date: Fri, 11 Jul 2008 03:16:11 +1000 Subject: JOKE: Good advice 4/5 Message-ID: <57396fa99b7b953934fdaabaedd51fe3@optusnet.com.au> Patrick, who was on holiday from Ireland on Bondi beach couldn't seem to make it with any of the girls. So he asked the local lifeguard for some advice. Mate, it's obvious," says the lifeguard, "you're wearing them old baggy swimming trunks that make ya look like an old geezer. They're years outta style. You 're best bet is to grab yourself a pair of Speedos - about two sizes too small and drop a fist-sized potato down inside 'em. I'm tellin' ya mate... you'll have all the babes ya want!" The following weekend, Patrick hits the beach with his spanking new tight Speedos, and his fist-sized potato. Everybody on the beach was disgusted as he walked by, covering their faces, turning away, and laughing, looking sick! So Patrick went back to the lifeguard again and asked him, "What's wrong now?" JAHEESUS!" said the lifeguard, "Maaaaate!!!!!" "The potato goes in front!" From ecooper1 at optusnet.com.au Thu Jul 17 01:57:10 2008 From: ecooper1 at optusnet.com.au (Euan Cooper) Date: Thu, 17 Jul 2008 15:57:10 +1000 Subject: JOKE: The bicycle 4/5 Message-ID: <9c0cd65112b9f67af87d34ea0ae32f8a@optusnet.com.au> A Priest was soon to finish his tour of duty, and was ?leaving his Mission in the jungle where he has spent years teaching the natives when he realizes that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English. So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree." The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree." The Priest is pleased with the response. They walk a little further and he points to a rock and says, "This is a rock." Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock." The Priest was really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As they peek over the top, he sees a couple of natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity. The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds, "Man riding a bike." The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them with poison darts. The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and be kind to each other, so how could he kill these people in cold blood that way? The chief replied, "My bike." From ecooper1 at optusnet.com.au Sun Jul 20 06:43:01 2008 From: ecooper1 at optusnet.com.au (Euan Cooper) Date: Sun, 20 Jul 2008 20:43:01 +1000 Subject: JOKE: Abbott and Costello 4/5 Message-ID: ? -------------- next part -------------- A non-text attachment was scrubbed... Name: unknown.gif Type: image/gif Size: 30833 bytes Desc: not available Url : -------------- next part -------------- You? have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello, and too old to? REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate this. For those of us who? sometimes get flustered by our computers, please read on... If Bud? Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their famous sketch, 'Who's on? First ? ' might have turned out something like? this: COSTELLO? CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT ABBOTT:? Super Duper computer store. Can I help you ? COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm? setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.? ABBOTT: Mac ? COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou. ABBOTT:? Your computer ? COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy? one. ABBOTT: Mac ? COSTELLO: I told you, my name's? Lou. ABBOTT: What about Windows ? COSTELLO: Why ? Will it get? stuffy in here ? ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with? Windows ? COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the? windows ? ABBOTT: Wallpaper. COSTELLO: Never mind the? windows. I need a computer and software. ABBOTT: Software for? Windows ? COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use? to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you? have ? ABBOTT: Office. COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you? recommend anything ? ABBOTT: I just did. COSTELLO: You just? did what ? ABBOTT: Recommend something. COSTELLO: You? recommended something ? ABBOTT: Yes. COSTELLO: For my? office ? ABBOTT: Yes. COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend? for my office ? ABBOTT: Office. COSTELLO: Yes, for my? office! ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows COSTELLO: I? already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my? computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need ? ABBOTT:? Word. COSTELLO: What word ? ABBOTT: Word in? Office. COSTELLO: The only word in office is office. ABBOTT:? The Word in Office for Windows. COSTELLO: Which word in office for? windows ? ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue? 'W'. COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue 'w' if you don't start? with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping ? You have? anything I can track my money with ? ABBOTT:? Money. COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have ? ABBOTT:? Money. COSTELLO: I need money to track my money ? ABBOTT: It? comes bundled with your computer. COSTELLO: What's bundled with my? computer ? ABBOTT: Money. COSTELLO: Money comes with my? computer ? ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge. COSTELLO: I get a? bundle of money with my computer ? How much ? ABBOTT: One? copy. COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money ? ABBOTT:? Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money. COSTELLO: They can give? you a license to copy money ? ABBOTT: Why not ? THEY OWN? IT! (A few days later) ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store.? Can I help you ? COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer?off ? ABBOTT: Click on? 'START'..... ....... From ecooper1 at optusnet.com.au Fri Jul 25 06:39:27 2008 From: ecooper1 at optusnet.com.au (Euan Cooper) Date: Fri, 25 Jul 2008 20:39:27 +1000 Subject: JOKE: Wedding preparations 4/5 Message-ID: <1dc5925b914c546bdd3da0b0084aafec@optusnet.com.au> A young woman was preparing for her wedding. She asked her mother to go out and buy a nice long black negligee and carefully place it in her suitcase so it would not wrinkle. Mum forgot until the last minute, so she dashed out and could only find a short pink nighty. She bought it and threw it into the suitcase. After the wedding, the bride and groom enter their hotel room. The groom was a little self-conscious, so he asked his new bride to change in the bathroom and promise not to peek while he got ready for bed. While she was in the bathroom, she opened her suitcase and saw the negligee her mother had thrown in there. She exclaimed, "Oh no, it's short, pink and wrinkled!" Then her groom cried out, "I told you not to peek!" From ecooper1 at optusnet.com.au Tue Jul 29 07:19:53 2008 From: ecooper1 at optusnet.com.au (Euan Cooper) Date: Tue, 29 Jul 2008 21:19:53 +1000 Subject: JOKE: An Australian love poem 4/5 Message-ID: <118f544a9588622ea8b11ee8625ee696@optusnet.com.au> An Australian Love Poem (Who said Australians weren't romantic?) Of course I love ya darling You're a bloody top notch bird And when I say you're gorgeous I mean every single word So ya bum is on the big side I don't mind a bit of flab It means that when I'm ready There's somethin there to grab So your belly isn't flat no more I tell ya, I don't care So long as when I cuddle ya I can get my arms round there No sheila who is your age Has nice round perky breasts They just gave in to gravity But I know ya did ya best I'm tellin ya the truth now I never tell ya lies I think its very sexy That you've got dimples on ya thighs I swear on me nanna's grave now The moment that we met I thought u was as good as I Was ever gonna get No matter wot u look like I'll always love ya dear Now shut up while the footy's on And fetch another beer. From ecooper1 at optusnet.com.au Thu Jul 31 02:37:39 2008 From: ecooper1 at optusnet.com.au (Euan Cooper) Date: Thu, 31 Jul 2008 16:37:39 +1000 Subject: JOKE: And then the fight started 4/5 Message-ID: After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too' ? ? And then the fight started..... ************************************************************************ ******** My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked, ?'Do you know her?' ?'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.' 'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?' ? ? And then the fight started..... ? ? ************************************************************************ ******** I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!' So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?' ? ? And then the fight started... ... ........................................................................ ..... A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old,?fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.' The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.' ? And then the fight started..... From ecooper1 at optusnet.com.au Thu Jul 31 02:47:02 2008 From: ecooper1 at optusnet.com.au (Euan Cooper) Date: Thu, 31 Jul 2008 16:47:02 +1000 Subject: JOKE: Obituary for the Late Mr Common sense 5/5 Message-ID: <5fbb2caa80886618f79a946cc18fddbf@optusnet.com.au> 'Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as: Knowing when to come in out of the rain; Why the early bird gets theworm; Life isn't always fair; and maybe it was my fault. Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge). His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition. Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an Aspirin to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion. Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims. Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault. Common Sense finally gave up the will to live after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement. Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason. He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers; I Know My Rights, I Want It Now, Someone Else Is To Blame, and I'm A Victim. Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing.'