From ecooper1 at optusnet.com.au Thu Jun 5 03:16:35 2008 From: ecooper1 at optusnet.com.au (Euan Cooper) Date: Thu, 5 Jun 2008 17:16:35 +1000 Subject: JOKE: In the beginning the Aussie version 4/5 Message-ID: In the beginning God created day and night. He created day for footy matches, going to the beach and BBQ's He created night for going prawning,sleeping and BBQ's, and God saw that it was good. On theSecond Day, God created water - for surfing, swimming and BBQ's on the beach, and God saw that it was good. On the Third Day God created the Earth to bring forth plants - to provide malt and yeast for beer and wood for BBQs, and God saw that it was good. On the Fourth Day God created animals and crustaceans for chops, sausages, steak and prawns for BBQ's, and God saw that it was good. On the Fifth day God created a Bloke - to go to the footy, enjoy the beach,drink the beer and eat the meat and prawns at BBQ's, and God saw that it was good. On the Sixth Day God saw that the Bloke was lonely and needed someone to go to the footy, surf, drink beer, eat and stand around the barbie with. So God created Mates, and God saw that they were good Blokes,and God saw that it was good. On the Seventh Day God looked around at the twinkling barbie fires, heard the hiss of opening beer cans and the raucous laughter of all the Blokes. He smelled the aroma of grilled chops and sizzling prawns and God Saw that it was good ... ... Well. . Almost good. He saw that the Blokes were too tired to clean up and needed a rest. So God created Sheilas - to clean the house, to bear children, to wash, to cook and to clean the Barbie, and then God saw that it was not just good. It was better than that, it was Bloody Awesome! IT WAS AUSTRALIA!!!!! From swelker-zonian-jokes at nemostar.com.au Sun Jun 8 21:23:19 2008 From: swelker-zonian-jokes at nemostar.com.au (Stephen Welker) Date: Mon, 9 Jun 2008 11:23:19 +1000 Subject: JOKE: Oil Change 4/5 References: <000f01c8c9c6$2f5953b0$0200a8c0@terry3739de271> Message-ID: <0A228E81-54BA-44E6-84BE-BC905ADE19DC@nemostar.com.au> Oil Change Oil Change instructions for Women: 1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change. 2) Drink a cup of coffee 3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle. Money spent: Oil Change: $20.00 Coffee: $1.00 Total: $21.00 ***************************************************** Oil Change instructions for Men : 1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00. 2) Stop by 7/11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20, drive home. 3) Open a beer and drink it. 4) Jacking car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands. 5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car. 6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it. 7) Place drain pan under engine. 8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench. 9) Give up and use crescent wrench. 10) Unscrew drain plug. 11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil; splashing hot oil on you in process. Cuss. 12) Crawl out from under car hitting head on front bumper, wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil. 13) Have another beer while watching oil drain. 14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench. 15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off. 16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer. 17) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface. 18) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine. 19) Remember drain plug from step 11. 20) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan. 21) Drink beer. 22) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill. 23) Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill. Drink beer. 24) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame removing any excess skin between knuckles and frame. 25) Begin cussing fit. 26) Throw stupid crescent wrench. 27) Cuss for additional 5 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy. 28) Beer. 29) Clean up hands and bandage as required to stop blood flow. 30) Beer. 31) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil. 32) Beer. 33) Lower car from jack stands. 34) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during any missed steps. 35) Beer. 36) Test drive car. 37) Get pulled over; arrested for driving under the influence. 38) Car gets impounded. 39) Call loving wife, make bail. 40) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard. Money spent: Parts: $50.00 DUI: $2500.00 Impound fee: $75.00 Bail: $1500.00 Beer: $20.00 Total: $4,145.00 But rest assured knowing the job was done right! From ecooper1 at optusnet.com.au Mon Jun 9 19:44:37 2008 From: ecooper1 at optusnet.com.au (Euan Cooper) Date: Tue, 10 Jun 2008 09:44:37 +1000 Subject: JOKE: Demon drink 4/5 Message-ID: <04438715b3d278cd7166bf117de684e2@optusnet.com.au> Things That Are Difficult To Say When Drunk: 1. Innovative 2. Preliminary 3. Proliferation 4. Cinnamon ? Things That Are Very Difficult To Say When Drunk: 1. Specificity 2. Anti-constitutionalistically 3. Passive-aggressive disorder 4. Transubstantiate ? Things That Are Downright Impossible To Say When Drunk: 1. No thanks, I'm married. 2. Nope, no more booze for me! 3. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke. 4. I'm not interested in fighting you. 5. I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning From ecooper1 at optusnet.com.au Thu Jun 12 01:46:41 2008 From: ecooper1 at optusnet.com.au (Euan Cooper) Date: Thu, 12 Jun 2008 15:46:41 +1000 Subject: JOKE: Older employees 4/5 Message-ID: <7690342bae1081af8bb7c25d277fdb20@optusnet.com.au> Dear employee: As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for all department areas, we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel. Under this plan, older employees will be asked to take early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future. Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the next fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately. This program will be known as S.L.A.P. (Severance of Late-Aged Personnel). Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs outside the company. SLAPPED employees can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place. This review phase of the program will be called S.C.R.E.W. (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Elderly Workers). All employees who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an appeal with upper management. This appeal is called S.H.A.F.T. (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination). Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be SLAPPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems appropriate. If an employee follows the above procedure, he/she will be entitled to get HE.R.P.E.S. (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance) or CLAP (Combined Lump sum Assistance Payment). As H.E.R.P.E.S. and C.L.A.P. are considered benefit plans, any employee who has received H.E.R.P.E.S . ALTERNATIVELY, C.L.A.P. will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the company. Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board that the company will continue its policy of training employees through our: Special High Intensity Training ( S.H.I.T.). We take pride in the amount of S.H.I.T . our employees receive. We have given our employees more S.H.I.T. than any company in this area. If any employee feels they do not receive enough S.H.I.T. on the job, see your immediate supervisor. Your supervisor is specially trained to make sure you receive all the S.H.IT . you can stand. And, once again, thanks for all your years of loyal service with us! The Management From ecooper1 at optusnet.com.au Thu Jun 12 02:37:09 2008 From: ecooper1 at optusnet.com.au (Euan Cooper) Date: Thu, 12 Jun 2008 16:37:09 +1000 Subject: JOKE: The Lie Detector 5/5 Message-ID: John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change. One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector. It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school over 2 hours late. 'Why are you so late getting home?' asked John. 'Several of us went to the library to work on a project,' said Tommy. The robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair. 'Son,' said John, 'this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school.' 'We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie.' said Tommy. 'What did you watch?' asked Marsha. 'The Ten Commandments.' answered Tommy. The robot went around and slapped him, knocking him off his chair again. With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, 'I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen.' 'I am ashamed of you son,' said John. 'When I was your age, I never lied to my parents.' The robot then walked around to John and delivered a resounding whack! Marsha doubled over laughing; almost in tears and said, 'Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!' With that the robot immediately walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair. From ecooper1 at optusnet.com.au Tue Jun 17 07:17:41 2008 From: ecooper1 at optusnet.com.au (Euan Cooper) Date: Tue, 17 Jun 2008 21:17:41 +1000 Subject: JOKE: Poem by Pam Ayres 4/5 Message-ID: <6d3a96466846eb01488a6434ac2e50c0@optusnet.com.au> Oh, I Wish I'd Looked After Me Tits ????????????By Pam Ayres Oh, I wish I'd looked after me dear old knockers, Not flashed them to boys behind the school lockers, Or let them get fondled by randy old dockers, Oh, I wish I'd looked after me tits. 'Cos now I'm much older and gravity's winning. It's Nature's revenge for all that sinning, And those dirty memories are rapidly dimming, Oh, I wish I'd looked after me tits. 'Cos tits can be such troublesome things When they no longer bounce, but dangle and swing. And although they go well with my Bingo wings, I wish I'd looked after me tits. When they're both long enough to tie up in a bow, When it's not the sweet chariot that swings low, When they're less of a friend and more of a foe, Then I wish I'd looked after me tits. When I was young I got whistles and hoots, From the men on the site to the men in the suits, Now me nipples get stuck in the zips on me boots, Oh, I wish I'd looked after me tits. When I was younger I rode bikes and scooters, Cruising around with my favourite suitors. Now the wheels get entangled with my dangling hooters, I wish I'd looked after me tits. When they follow behind and get trapped in the door, When they're less in the air and more near the floor, When people see less of them rather than more, Oh, I wish I'd looked after me tits. From ecooper1 at optusnet.com.au Sat Jun 21 02:40:19 2008 From: ecooper1 at optusnet.com.au (Euan Cooper) Date: Sat, 21 Jun 2008 16:40:19 +1000 Subject: JOKE: Mexican Maid 4/5 Message-ID: A Mexican maid asked for a pay increase. The wife was very upset about this and asked: 'Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?' Maria: 'Well, Se?ora, there are three reasons why I want an increase. The first is that I iron better than you.' Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?' Maria: 'Your husband said so.' Wife: 'Oh.' Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.' Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?' Maria: 'Your husband did.' Wife: 'Oh.' Maria: 'My third reason is that I am a better lover than you.' Wife (really furious now): 'Did my husband say that as well?' Maria: 'No Se?ora, your gardener did.' SHE GOT THE RAISE! From nicholas at nicholaspyers.com Mon Jun 30 00:32:23 2008 From: nicholas at nicholaspyers.com (Nicholas Pyers) Date: Mon, 30 Jun 2008 14:32:23 +1000 Subject: JOKE: Cracked [5/5 B] Message-ID: I'm driving along on the motorway at 100 km an hour (the speed limit), minding my own business, when outta nowhere there's this big crack in my windscreen!! I swerved right, and then left, and it was still right there!! There just ain't NO words for this! -------------- next part -------------- A non-text attachment was scrubbed... Name: image0044.jpg Type: image/jpeg Size: 26091 bytes Desc: not available Url : -------------- next part -------------- -- Nicholas Pyers (nicholas at nicholaspyers.com) "Heaven on Earth?" "No, Earth on Earth. The Just Earth!"