From ecooper1 at optusnet.com.au Sat Mar 1 01:16:37 2008 From: ecooper1 at optusnet.com.au (Euan Cooper) Date: Sat, 1 Mar 2008 17:16:37 +1100 Subject: JOKE: Irish Toast 5/5 Message-ID: John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!" That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night" She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife." "Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said. The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary." She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come From ecooper1 at optusnet.com.au Sat Mar 1 05:28:13 2008 From: ecooper1 at optusnet.com.au (Euan Cooper) Date: Sat, 1 Mar 2008 21:28:13 +1100 Subject: JOKE: Top 4 Adult jokes 5/5 Message-ID: <50ce8ade9508b6039c90ce818127e940@optusnet.com.au> Fourth Place: A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221."? Third Place :? One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm.? The wife turns over and says "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."? The husband, rejected, turns over.? A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.?" Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"? Runner Up:? Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penls into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.? One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.? "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.? "Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penls into the pickle slicer?"? "Oh, Bill, you didn't" she exclaimed.? "Yes, I did." he replied "My God, Bill, what happened?" "I got fired."? "No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"? "Oh... she got fired too." Winner:? A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together."? "I know," the old man said. "We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago."? "Well," Granny snickered. "Let's relive some old times."? Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.? "You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."? "I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal From ecooper1 at optusnet.com.au Mon Mar 3 00:07:40 2008 From: ecooper1 at optusnet.com.au (Euan Cooper) Date: Mon, 3 Mar 2008 16:07:40 +1100 Subject: JOKE: Collingwood supporters 5/5 Message-ID: A family of Collingwood supporters head out one Saturday morning?to do their Christmas shoplifting. ? While in Rebel Sport, the son picks up a?Carlton footy jumper and says to his 10 year old sister "Hey mole, I've decided to become a Blues supporter and I want?this for Christmas"? ? His sister, outraged by this, promptly whacks him around the head?with her carton of Winfield's and says, "Sh*thead, go talk to mum." ? Off goes the little lad with the Blues jumper stuffed up his Miller shirt and finds his mum.? ? "Mum?" "Yes,son."? "I've decided I'm going to be a Blues supporter and I want this?jumper for Christmas." ? The mother is outraged at this and throws her moccasins and a full tinnie of VB at him, smacks him in the gob and says "let's talk to your father". ? Off they go to Port Phillip Prison?during visiting hours, with footy jumper in hand, and find Moose, his toothless tattooed father.? ? "Dad?"? "Yes, knackers." "I've decided I'm going to be a Blues supporter and I want this jumper for Christmas." ? Moose goes berserk and gives his son an almighty backhander and says,?"No bastard of mine is ever going to be seen wearing that sh*t", and then kicks his arse from one end of the rec-room to the other, just for good measure. ? About half an hour later they're all back in the old Torana and heading towards home. The mother turns to her son and says, "Knackers, have you learned something today?" ? The son says "Sh*t, yes you old slag. I bl**dy well have."? "Good knackers, what is it?" The son replies, "I've only been a Carlton supporter for an hour, and already I hate you Collingwood pr*cks!!"? From ecooper1 at optusnet.com.au Mon Mar 3 23:21:31 2008 From: ecooper1 at optusnet.com.au (Euan Cooper) Date: Tue, 4 Mar 2008 15:21:31 +1100 Subject: JOKE: Why I fired my secretary 5/5 Message-ID: <0a49ff57e749093353ed474fce456cc9@optusnet.com.au> Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, 'Happy Birthday!', and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone ' Happy Birthday.' I thought... Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids... They will remember. My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, 'Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday ! ' It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered. I worked until one o'clock , when Jane knocked on my door and said, 'You know, It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me.' I said, 'Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go !' We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. She chose instead at a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously. On the way back to the office, Jane said, 'You know, It's such a beautiful day... We don't need to go straight back to the office, Do We ?' I responded, 'I guess not. What do you have in mind ?' She said, 'Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner.' After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back." 'Ok.' I nervously replied. She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake ... Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing 'Happy Birthday'. And I just sat there... On the couch... Naked. From swelker-zonian-jokes at nemostar.com.au Tue Mar 4 18:46:36 2008 From: swelker-zonian-jokes at nemostar.com.au (Stephen Welker) Date: Wed, 5 Mar 2008 10:46:36 +1100 Subject: JOKE: Hymn 365 (5/5) References: <007801c87de8$113f60b0$0300a8c0@terry3739de271> Message-ID: <5E398BC4-42AD-489D-BC56-D19E190E0889@nemostar.com.au> Hymn #365 This is a hoot, but I suspect the minister didn't appreciate it. A minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great emphasis he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river." With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river." And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river." Sermon complete, he sat down. The song leader stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, nearly laughing, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365, "Shall We Gather at the River." See you at the river... From swelker-zonian-jokes at nemostar.com.au Fri Mar 7 03:28:24 2008 From: swelker-zonian-jokes at nemostar.com.au (Stephen Welker) Date: Fri, 7 Mar 2008 19:28:24 +1100 Subject: JOKE: Conjones de Toro (4/5) References: <003d01c88024$5a287d00$0200a8c0@terry3739de271> Message-ID: A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Mexico. While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?" The waiter replied, "Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!" The cowboy said, "What the heck, bring me an order." The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy." The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday." The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins. From ecooper1 at optusnet.com.au Mon Mar 10 02:05:39 2008 From: ecooper1 at optusnet.com.au (Euan Cooper) Date: Mon, 10 Mar 2008 17:05:39 +1100 Subject: JOKE: What Celebrities Would Look Like If They Lived in Frankston 5/5 (A) Message-ID: <1d2c167a72ce8f27308b01e93c54f383@optusnet.com.au> A non-text attachment was scrubbed... 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Name: pam-anderson.jpg Type: image/jpeg Size: 46336 bytes Desc: not available Url : -------------- next part -------------- A non-text attachment was scrubbed... Name: thebeckhams.jpg Type: image/jpeg Size: 37888 bytes Desc: not available Url : -------------- next part -------------- A non-text attachment was scrubbed... Name: tom-Cruise.jpg Type: image/jpeg Size: 39680 bytes Desc: not available Url : From ecooper1 at optusnet.com.au Tue Mar 11 01:23:45 2008 From: ecooper1 at optusnet.com.au (Euan Cooper) Date: Tue, 11 Mar 2008 16:23:45 +1100 Subject: JOKE: Computer Users 4/5 Message-ID: <059bd3048f1fe07634d4937005031b5c@optusnet.com.au> Computer users are divided into three types: novice, intermediate and expert. Novice Users - People who are afraid that simply pressing a key might break their computer. Intermediate Users - People who don't know how to fix their computer after they've just pressed a key that broke it. Expert Users - People who break other people's computers. From ecooper1 at optusnet.com.au Thu Mar 13 01:28:02 2008 From: ecooper1 at optusnet.com.au (Euan Cooper) Date: Thu, 13 Mar 2008 16:28:02 +1100 Subject: JOKE: Catholic Horses 5/5 Message-ID: <01abe649ad80c34038fd5e65ae4f9d01@optusnet.com.au> One day while he was at the track playing the ponies and all but losing his shirt, Mitch noticed a priest who stepped out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race. Lo and behold, that horse - a very long shot? won the race. Before the next race, as the horses began lining up, Mitch watched with interest the old priest step onto the track. Sure enough, as the 5th race horses came to the starting gate the priest made a blessing on the forehead of one of the horses. Mitch made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse the Priest had blessed won the race. Mitch collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest would bless for the 6th race. The priest again blessed a horse. Mitch bet big on it, and it won. Mitch was elated. As the races continued the priest kept blessing long shot horses, and each one ended up coming in first. Bye and bye, Mitch was pulling in some serious money. By the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true. He made a quick dash to the ATM, withdrew all his savings, and awaited the priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on. True to his pattern, the priest stepped onto the track for the last race and blessed the forehead of an old nag that was the long shot of the day. Mitch also observed the priest blessing the eyes, ears, and hooves of the old nag. Mitch knew he had a winner and bet every cent he owned on the old nag. He then watched dumbfounded as the old nag come in dead last. Mitch, in a state of shock, made his way down to the track area where the priest was. Confronting the old priest he demanded, "Father! What happened? All day long you blessed horses and they all won. Then in the last race, the horse you blessed lost by a Kentucky mile. Now, thanks to you I've lost every cent of my savings - all of it!". The priest nodded wisely and with sympathy. "Son," he said, "that's the problem with you Protestants! You can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and last rites." From ecooper1 at optusnet.com.au Fri Mar 14 01:56:39 2008 From: ecooper1 at optusnet.com.au (Euan Cooper) Date: Fri, 14 Mar 2008 16:56:39 +1100 Subject: JOKE: PROCRASTINATION 4/5 Message-ID: <1c077df00a974ba4e80725df2bfa8d30@optusnet.com.au> P is for the popcorn you pop so you have something to eat in your hands so you can't type your paper R is for all of the reading that you are afraid to start because you know that you won't remember it tomorrow anyway O is for the overwhelming amount of time that one can manage to waste in an evening instead of doing work C is for the crying you will do when you realize what types of grades you are going to get because you haven't done your work R is for the radio dial that you are playing with so that you know when you do start your work there will be good tunes on A is for the grade that you won't be getting on the paper that you are trying to avoid writing S is for the soup that you make when you are done with the popcorn so you continue to have something to occupy your hands T is for the test that you have at 9:00am tomorrow and you haven't yet began to study for I is for the insane amount of time that you are wasting by reading this email N is for the nodding off in class that you will be doing tomorrow after staying up all night avoiding your work A is for the amazing typing skills that you have developed since you have become an email freak T is for the terrible grade that you know that you are going to get anyway, so why bother studying I is for the inevitable fact that you just know that your work isn't going to get done tonight O is for the outstanding organization of your desk that you have managed to accomplish while "getting ready" to work N is for never giving up on the belief that you will eventually do all the work that needs to be done. From ecooper1 at optusnet.com.au Fri Mar 14 01:58:20 2008 From: ecooper1 at optusnet.com.au (Euan Cooper) Date: Fri, 14 Mar 2008 16:58:20 +1100 Subject: JOKE: As time goes by 4/5 Message-ID: My nookie days are over My pilot light is out What used to be my sex appeal Is now my water spout Time was when of it's own accord From my trousers it would spring But now I've a full time job To find the blasted thing It used to be embarrassing The way it would behave For every single morning It would stand and watch me shave Now as old age approaches It sure gives me the blues To see it hang its little head And watch me tie my shoes. From ecooper1 at optusnet.com.au Mon Mar 17 03:49:58 2008 From: ecooper1 at optusnet.com.au (Euan Cooper) Date: Mon, 17 Mar 2008 18:49:58 +1100 Subject: JOKE: Medical concerns 5/5 Message-ID: <792a7d79d186ac8ade1feeabbb4a20e1@optusnet.com.au> An elderly married couple scheduled their annual medical examination on the same day so they could travel together. After the examination, the doctor then said to the elderly man, "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to ask me?" "In fact, I do," said the old man. "After I have sex with my wife the first time, I feel cold and chilly", and then, after I have sex with my wife the second time, I'm usually hot and sweaty." After examining the elderly lady, the doctor said: "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?" The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns. The doctor then asked: "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex the first time with you and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?" "Oh that crazy old fool!" she replied. "That's because the first time is usually in July and the second time is usually in December!" From ecooper1 at optusnet.com.au Tue Mar 18 00:21:46 2008 From: ecooper1 at optusnet.com.au (Euan Cooper) Date: Tue, 18 Mar 2008 15:21:46 +1100 Subject: JOKE: Tale of the Irish sausage 4/5 Message-ID: Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro. Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea.' He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage. Shamus said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!' Murphy replied, 'Don't worry - just follow me.' He went into the pubwhere he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jameson Whisky Shamus said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!' Murphy replied, with a smile. 'Don't worry, I have a plan, Cheers!' They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, 'OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.' The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out. They continued this, pubafter pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free. At the tenth pubShamus said 'Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killin'me!' Murphy said, 'How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third pub. From ecooper1 at optusnet.com.au Thu Mar 20 12:37:03 2008 From: ecooper1 at optusnet.com.au (Euan Cooper) Date: Fri, 21 Mar 2008 03:37:03 +1100 Subject: JOKE: What a coincidence 4/5 Message-ID: A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne. ? The woman perks up and says "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!" ? "What a coincidence" the farmer says. "This is a special day for me, and I'm celebrating." ? "This is a special day for me too. I am also celebrating!" says the woman. ? "What a coincidence!" says the farmer." ? As they clinked glasses the man asked, "What are you celebrating?" ? "My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!" ? "What a coincidence." says the man. "I'm a chicken farmer and for years and all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs." ? "That's great!" says the woman. "How did your chickens become fertile?" ? "I used a different cock," he replied. ? The woman smiled and said, "What a coincidence. From ecooper1 at optusnet.com.au Wed Mar 26 02:23:24 2008 From: ecooper1 at optusnet.com.au (Euan Cooper) Date: Wed, 26 Mar 2008 17:23:24 +1100 Subject: JOKE: Golf 4/5 Message-ID: <8495c430ca26383719d828fbf33c5a17@optusnet.com.au> A man goes to a public golf course. He approaches the man behind the counter in the pro shop and says, "I would like 18 holes of golf and?a caddie." The man behind the counter says, "The 18 holes of golf is no problem,?but all of the caddies are out on the course. What I will do for you is this: We just received 8 brand new robot golf caddies. If you're?willing to take one with you out on the course and come back and tell?me how well it works, your round of golf is on me today." The golfer obviously accepted the man's offer. He approached the?first tee, looked at the fairway and said to himself, "I think my driver will do the job." "The robot caddie turned to the man and said, "No sir. Use your 3?wood. A driver is far too much club for this hole." Hesitantly, the golfer pulled out his 3 wood, made good contact with the ball, and the ball landed about 10 feet to the right front of the hole on the green. The golfer, delighted, turned to the robot and thanked him for his?assistance. As the golfer pulled out his putter he said, "I think this green is gonna break left to right." The robot then again spoke up and said, "No sir. I do believe this green will break right to left" ? Thinking about the last time the robot corrected his prediction, he decided again to listen to the machine. ????? He made his putt and birdied the hole thanks to the robot and his advice. But his luck didn't end there. His entire game was the best game he ever played, thanks to the assistance of the new robot golf caddie. Upon returning to the clubhouse, the man behind the counter asked, "How was your game?" ????? The golfer stated, "It was, by far, the BEST game I ever played. Thank you! very much for letting me take one of your robots. See you next week." ????? A week passed, and excited, the golfer returned to the pro shop.?Upon entering, he turned to the man behind the counter and said, "I would like 18 holes of golf and one of those robot golf caddies, please." The gentleman from behind the counter turned to the man and said, "Well the 18 holes is no problem. However, we had to get rid of the robots. We had too many complaints." ? Confused, the golfer cried, "COMPLAINTS? Who in the heck could've complained about those robots? They were incredible" The man sighed and said, "Well, it wasn't their performance. It was that they were made of shiny silver metal, and the sun reflecting off them was blinding to other golfers on the fairway."?The golfer said, "So then why didn't you just paint them black?" The man nodded sadly and replied, "We did. Then four of 'em didn't?show up for work, two filed for welfare, and the other two robbed the pro shop." From ecooper1 at optusnet.com.au Wed Mar 26 05:29:08 2008 From: ecooper1 at optusnet.com.au (Euan Cooper) Date: Wed, 26 Mar 2008 20:29:08 +1100 Subject: JOKE: I/We 4/5 Message-ID: <03eb859c589b3471fe0614aa34d38e3e@optusnet.com.au> At a small parish in rural New England there lived a priest and several nuns. One day, one of the older nuns was noticing that the rugs in the church were beginning to fray. She went to the priest and told him, "Father, I believe your rugs need to be replaced soon." The priest thanked her for bringing it to his attention, and told her that he thought that she had been there long enough to refer to church property as "our" not "your." Several days later, the same nun noticed that the hedge needed to be trimmed. She again went to the priest and told him, "Father, I've noticed that your... I mean our hedge needs to be trimmed." The priest thanked her for again bringing something to his attention and this time asked her if she had seen his watch that had gone missing. She said she hadn't, but assured him she would look for it. Another few days passed, and the parish received word that the bishop would be coming for a visit. The whole parish was in an uproar of cleaning, etc. On the day the bishop arrived, the nun came down the front stairs yelling, "Father, Father, I found the watch!!" The bishop said, "How wonderful my child." After saying hello to the bishop, the nun turned to the priest and said, "I found it under our bed." From ecooper1 at optusnet.com.au Fri Mar 28 01:34:58 2008 From: ecooper1 at optusnet.com.au (Euan Cooper) Date: Fri, 28 Mar 2008 16:34:58 +1100 Subject: JOKE: Sale 3/5 Message-ID: A well-stacked young advertising secretary wore tight knit dresses that showed off her figure, especially when she walked. Her young, aggressive boss motioned her into his office one afternoon and closed the door. Pointing to her tightly covered derriere, he asked, "Is that for sale?" "Of course not!" she snapped angrily, blushing furiously. Unchanged, he replied quietly, "Then, I suggest you quit advertising it." From ecooper1 at optusnet.com.au Fri Mar 28 01:56:43 2008 From: ecooper1 at optusnet.com.au (Euan Cooper) Date: Fri, 28 Mar 2008 16:56:43 +1100 Subject: JOKE: The Chemist and the digger 5/5 Message-ID: <47b5ba69f34ea94f4d60572ed88e6823@optusnet.com.au> An old Aussie digger goes into a chemist shop in Katoomba to buy some Viagra. "Can I have 6 tablets, cut in quarters, please mate ?" "I can cut them for you alright ",?said the chemist,?"but I must advise you that a quarter tablet will not give you a full erection. " "I?m 96 ",?said the old digger,?" I don' t want an erection ..... I just want it sticking out far enough so I don't piss on me slippers". From ecooper1 at optusnet.com.au Mon Mar 31 00:48:51 2008 From: ecooper1 at optusnet.com.au (Euan Cooper) Date: Mon, 31 Mar 2008 14:48:51 +1000 Subject: JOKE: Same Doc 4/5 Message-ID: <1f19f2d73910c3b343a4086cf3cd35d1@optusnet.com.au> This lady wanted bigger breasts, so she went to her doctor to get a referral to a plastic surgeon. Her doctor says he would like her to try an exercise before surgery or drugs, see how it works first. He stands up to demonstrate, holds his arms straight out to the side, rotates them counter clockwise, and says, "Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, if I do this enough, I'll have a big bust." She tries it, the doctor tells her to do that as often as she can, and come back in a week. One week later, she's back at the doctor, and tells him that it didn't work. The doctor asks her how often she did the exercise, she says 4-5 times a day. The doctor tells her to do it more, 30 times a day at least, and asks her to come back in another week. She tries this, performing the exercise whenever she can. One day, as she waited to check out at Safeway, she started her exercise. "Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, if I do this enough, I'll have a big bust." The man in front of her turns around, asks if she sees Dr. Johnson. "Yes, how did you know?" she replies. The man faces her, places both hands on his hips, moves his hips in a circular motion, and says, "Hickory dickory dock......."