From nicholas at nicholaspyers.com Sun Nov 2 19:46:34 2008 From: nicholas at nicholaspyers.com (Nicholas Pyers) Date: Mon, 3 Nov 2008 11:46:34 +1100 Subject: JOKE: If only it wasn't true [10/5] Message-ID: <14E1961D-1BB4-4EEE-A946-14357B8D4DB1@nicholaspyers.com> [Thanks to Steve for this gem] NOAH  In the year 2008, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United States, and said: Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans. He gave Noah the blueprints, saying: You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights. Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no Ark. Noah! He roared, I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?  Forgive me, Lord, begged Noah, 'but things have changed. needed a building permit. I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbors claim that I've violated the neighborhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision. Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions,to clear the passage for the Ark 's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it. Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl.I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go! When I started gathering the animals, an animal rights group sued me. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodations were too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space. Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood. I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew.  Immigration and Naturalization are checking the green-card status of most of the people who want to work. The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark-building experience. To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.  So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark. Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky.Noah looked up in wonder and asked, 'You mean you're not going to destroy the world?' 'No,' said the Lord. 'The government beat me to it.' -- Nicholas Pyers (nicholas at nicholaspyers.com) "Heaven on Earth?" "No, Earth on Earth. The Just Earth!" From ecooper1 at optusnet.com.au Thu Nov 6 23:46:00 2008 From: ecooper1 at optusnet.com.au (Euan Cooper) Date: Fri, 07 Nov 2008 15:46:00 +1100 Subject: JOKE: All Seniors aren't senile 5/5 Message-ID: An older, white haired man walked into a jewellery store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweller he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweller looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring. The old man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.' At that statement, the jeweller went to his special stock and brought another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000' the jeweller said.. The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.' The jeweller asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, 'by cheque. I know you need to make sure my cheque is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon,' he said. Monday morning, the jeweller phoned the old man.. 'There's no money in that account.' 'I know,' said the old man, 'But let me tell you about my weekend...' -------------- next part -------------- An HTML attachment was scrubbed... URL: From ecooper1 at optusnet.com.au Thu Nov 6 23:49:54 2008 From: ecooper1 at optusnet.com.au (Euan Cooper) Date: Fri, 07 Nov 2008 15:49:54 +1100 Subject: JOKE: Carpool to work and save petrol4/5 In-Reply-To: <6CF24BE6B6F4C043BA04153A14A841BB061160D3@HWTSGTEXCH01V.news.newslimited.local> Message-ID: -------------- next part -------------- An HTML attachment was scrubbed... URL: -------------- next part -------------- A non-text attachment was scrubbed... Name: not available Type: image/jpeg Size: 512056 bytes Desc: not available Url :